


Texts From The Hobbit

by burglarhobbit (kazosah)



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Rock Band, Alternate Universe - Spies & Secret Agents, Attempt at Humor, Drunken Shenanigans, Drunkenness, F/F, F/M, Fem!Bagginshield, Female Bilbo, Female Thorin, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Kid Fic, M/M, Rule 63, Spies & Secret Agents, Swearing, Texting, Texts From Last Night, dad jokes, funny text message prompt, lots of implications, sort of
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-12-06
Updated: 2015-02-14
Packaged: 2018-01-03 15:30:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 34
Words: 35,375
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1072108
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kazosah/pseuds/burglarhobbit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Basically teeny, tiny ficlets produced via funny screenshot text prompts. (We also have to thank the sugar high I was on. Wow.) Modern setting text messages between Hobbit characters - hilarity ensues?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Kili (accidentally) to Thorin

**Author's Note:**

> These aren't in any kind of order or follow any sort of flow; settings and ages and pairings change around and stuff... They're like a little collection of one shots, I guess you could say.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://24.media.tumblr.com/028f2b29cf39efb2f3e8fb7b00c74729/tumblr_my12xxWBjG1r00ixgo1_500.jpg

 

 

.

.

 

That's the text Kili meant to send to Fili but accidentally sent to Thorin. His vision was bleary from having just woken up, and really the fact that he'd managed to type all that out first thing in the morning (technically second thing) was a miracle in itself. He wouldn't realize the error of his mistake until a mountain load of texts poured into his phone at around 11, in a series of repetitive jingles, all sharing a common theme... _Dickosaurus Rex_...

  
Instead of simply ignoring his nephews mistake Thorin forwarded the message in a mass text to everyone. Ori, Dori, Nori, Oin, Gloin, Bifur, Bofur, Bombur, Dwalin, Balin, even Gandalf, but especially Tauriel. He knew Kili's girlfriend would get a kick out of that one, since he had a tendency of self entitling himself, and this one was by far the best.

  
But before he did all that he showed Bilbo first, who'd just woken up because of Thorin's deep gruff chuckle upon reading the text. Bilbo had nearly peed himself; dashing to the bathroom, clutching his stomach and crotch as he laughed loud and gleeful, "Dickosaurus Rex, _oh_ my _god_!"

  
Kili wasn't about to live this one down anytime soon. Actually, _Dickosaurus Rex_ wasn't about to live this one down anytime soon.

 

.


	2. Fili to Thorin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://31.media.tumblr.com/ea67c3416e3d66a2cffcc375e938831b/tumblr_my12xxWBjG1r00ixgo2_250.jpg

 

 

.

.

 

It was actually all Kili's fault he woke up late that morning. They'd had a great night of drinking, Kili's fault, in celebration of him completing all his finals. And he'd left his phone in the kitchen, instead of on his bedside table. Luckily though, he woke up with a start just ten minutes after his phone's alarm would've woken him. Today was a significant day. This was the beginning of his apprenticeship under Uncle Thorin, and what a **great** fucking start!

 

"LATE!" Fili hissed.

 

Damn, Kili. The little bastard was snoozing peacefully on the sofa while Fili rushed and rushed through their small shared flat. But he spared himself enough time to spray some whipped cream into Kili's open palm hanging off the couch, that'd do well enough, he supposed. He didn't have time for anything else, and he was sorry he wouldn't be able to see the end result of that one but he was **fucking late**! He sent a text to Uncle on his way out the door, ' _Running 15 min late_ '.

  
Just as he was getting on the tube his phone pinged with a message and it read simply, ' _Run faster_ '.

  
Uncle was so bluntly hilarious. He probably didn't even know how funny he was because most of the time he was dead serious... unless he was drinking. But there wasn't a chance in hell that he was drinking at 8:25 in the morning. Though... _maybe_ he was joking with him... He had no idea. Fili was shocked, all he could muster was three dots in a row. This was either a great or the worst beginning to his apprenticeship. He couldn't tell which it was just yet.

 

[Later though, it would be entirely worth it to receive a text from Kili a little after nine in all caps, saying ' _YOU FUCKER_!']

 

 

.


	3. Bilbo to Thorin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://24.media.tumblr.com/50c8186d3fe4bab398ab154b195d757f/tumblr_my12xxWBjG1r00ixgo6_1280.jpg

 

.

.

 

Bilbo's train from Erebor to Hobbiton was a long one, but he was thankful to know that by the time he reached Bag End Frodo would have the spare bed made and he could just collapse in a heap of bones and go straight to sleep.

  
When the trolley with drinks came by he figured he was a little parched, and a little decaf coffee wouldn't do him any harm...

  
Turns out that wasn't decaf. He took that coffee at 1 in the morning, it had been the last train to Hobbiton unless he wanted to take a train at noon the next day, but he had a lot of work to do in Hobbiton, it was Frodo's birthday tomorrow (today, actually)! But now here he was. Lying in bed, the clock on the side table bearing bright angry red numbers - 3:56 A.M.

  
His phone screen was blaring white in the darkness of the room, and he opened up his texts to the Thorin. The last text he'd received from him had been a little blue emoji heart.

  
Bilbo smiled fondly at it before he started to text, planning it carefully as he went, careful of not hitting the send button mid process until he'd finally constructed a sort of group of stick figures that danced along with Beyonce's beginning lyrics to Single Ladies.

  
He sent it off, chuckling lowly in his throat, and wishing he felt sufficiently tired after that, but he didn't.

  
And much to his surprise his phone pinged at around 4:25. A response from Thorin: " _I DID put a ring on it. Though I might be regretting it now..._ "

  
Bilbo could barely contain his laughter, muffling it into a pillow until tears fell from the corners of his eyes and soaked into it. Not soon after his giggles began to lessen he finally succumbed to exhaustion.

 

.


	4. Dis and Kili

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://24.media.tumblr.com/e365d2bf54bec4dab20f0e4257c09088/tumblr_my12xxWBjG1r00ixgo4_250.jpg

.

.

 

Kili was responsible for taking care of Gimli and Frodo while Dis, Vili, Thorin, Bilbo, Gloin and his wife went on a triple date. It wasn't anything big, just dinner and the cinema, wouldn't take longer than four hours, that's what they said to assure him. But Kili had a tendency toward catastrophe when left on his own, and espeically since Fili had gone off to university, there was a lot of concern for the younger. He was 17 years old, yes, but the kid was like a magnet for disaster. But he was determined to prove to his family that he wasn't a complete mess. He could handle a 5 and 3 year old. Simple!

  
And it was. They watched a couple of Disney flicks, Kili shamelessly sang along because he knew every single word by heart and the boys loved it. They had some dinner, mac and cheese, totally easy, and put on another movie. The boys fell asleep 10 minutes in, and the adults weren't due back for another 45 minutes or so.

  
Kili was watching Tangled and it was just getting to the part when Rapunzel leaves the tower with Flynn switching between guilty and excited in escaping her secluded fortress when his phone made a text notification sound.

 

It was Mom. And they were on their way home. She asked if everything was okay.

 

He rolled his eyes. It was a simple wondering, but he knew how anxious they all were to arrive home and see what fresh hell he'd introduce them, all with a reasonable explanation to back it up.

 

He quickly opened up an internet page and searched for images of houses on fire. It might've been too much, too far, sending a photo of a burning house and adding ' _You tell me_ ', but it was all in jest.

 

He startled when the front door open with a slam minutes later, but couldn't help but cackle when his mother's voice crowed, "KILI DURINSON, THAT IS **NOT** FUNNY!"

.


	5. Bilbo to Thorin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is kinda fluffy. Aww.
> 
> https://31.media.tumblr.com/9ff64a5281e31ac149dffa604c1ec3ac/tumblr_my12xxWBjG1r00ixgo8_500.jpg

 

.

.

 

Bilbo sent that to Thorin as a joke. They were standing right beside each other, holding onto the high hand rails of the tube car on the Picadilly line during rush hour. It was all in an effort to help Thorin ease up; he didn't hate small spaces or being far underground, but rather being crammed pack in a carriage with other people, so crammed that they were nearly touching him. It wasn't a significant problem, he didn't feel suffocated since he was much taller than the rest of the travellers and could easily see over the tops of each persons head, he could deal with it, he just didn't like it.

  
But he found it much easier to bear with Bilbo next to him, especially with him sending ridiculous texts about how hard someone was handsome'ing.

  
Thorin offered a small smirk, and forced down a blush he could feel rushing of the tips of his ears. Bilbo might've thought himself not quite as alluring when next to Thorin, but Thorin thought Bilbo was handsome'ing quite hard beside him. Always dressed so smartly, looking quite dapper no matter what; he could be drenched from head to foot, or ruffled up by an allergy attack and Thorin would still think himself second best when stood beside the shorter man.

  
All the same, it didn't matter who was more handsome. Thorin was just incredibly thankful that he could call that handsome man his, and likewise he was Bilbo's.

 

.


	6. Tauriel to Kili

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://24.media.tumblr.com/8aeb800980a75de08c930f3ae40b8ef6/tumblr_my12xxWBjG1r00ixgo7_1280.jpg

 

 

.

.

  
Tauriel was on campus, she was just leaving class from aiding Prof. Greenleaf, and about to go for coffee with his son, Legolas, who was conveniently her best friend. She just saw his blond head walking down the corridor and headed outside when her phone buzzed in her hand. She thought it was probably Legolas, asking where they should meet, but instead she saw **Sex Master** with two pink hearts, one before and after the self given moniker (one nickname that he did not live up to and should've been withdrawn after what she dealt with the previous night). She rolled her eyes, it was a mid-week party, and she was not ashamed to admit that she held her alcohol far better than her significant other, which was the very reason as to why their night ended quite interestingly, definitely one for the books, but not in a good way. She tapped Kili's message open.

  
' _I think I'm blind, will you bring me pizza_?'

 

It was 10 in the morning.

 

She pursed her lips tightly, forcing herself not to laugh, knowing that somehow if she did laugh, even if she didn't text out a 'haha', he would know, and it would only encourage him. She tapped the text box to reply, thumbs working across her keyboard with an angered and gleeful speed.

 

' _You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza_.'

 

She locked her screen and ran to catch up with her friend, but then a thought struck her, she unlocked her phone and reopened her messages to her boyfriend, ' _And if you're blind then how are you texting me_?'

 

Five full minutes passed, enough time for Legolas and Tauriel to make their way to the coffee shop Arwen worked at. And just as they reached the shop's door her phone beeped and the message revealed, ' _I luv u bb_ ,' along with two heart kissing emojis.

 

She could not contain her eye roll just as they reached the order counter. "For take away, please, Arwen. We've got to go get a pizza," Tauriel sighed.

 

 

.


	7. Radagast to Gandalf

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can ignore the Honey Bunny Baby Bear at the top of that text... or not...? Perhaps that's a thiiing...  
> It is no matter to me. Whichever you so choose...
> 
> https://24.media.tumblr.com/4df982e7cf217e32634f539cb984f0d1/tumblr_my12xxWBjG1r00ixgo5_400.jpg

.

.

 

Radagast had a tendency to leave the house windows open, he loved the natural breeze, the scent and feel of it. And most of the time the doors are unlocked, cracked open even, he was in the middle of nature (though still within wifi reception) he had nothing to fear. He had a doggy door at both the front and back door of his home, it wasn't an oddity for animals to swoop in through the open windows or cracked doorways. He didn't mind the little intruders, he loved animals. But the day Sebastian turned out to be not Sebastian in his lap, only noticing when his faithful hound Molly started to growl and bark, he figured it was about time to get his eye glass prescription renewed. And maybe take it easy on those herbal mushroom soothers because he should've known the difference between a feral cat and his precious hedgehog!

 

Gandalf had thought it was a good laugh when he texted him about it.

.


	8. (Kili reads) Bilbo to Thorin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://31.media.tumblr.com/9ab27ba3f4efd98b5ca1eb5109b52239/tumblr_my12xxWBjG1r00ixgo3_250.jpg
> 
> Wow, this one got away from me.

 

.

.

 

Kili and Fili were makers of mischief, there was no doubt about that. Some said it started from the moment Kili began to crawl and keep up with Fili.

  
They were little pranksters, never slowing down, never a dull moment, never a joke not in play, and sometimes it was the end result of the slow burning ones that had their stomaches pained with cramps from laughing so hard.

As they grew older the more devious their schemes and jokes would become. And as technology advanced, they adapted and became - much to their family's fear - the unfortunate, but very much needed, tech support. 

More often than not they were helping Balin or Oin with internet connection, email, and text messages. And it was usually Dwalin who would roar his notice that they had changed all their WiFi network connection names, usually into phrases or conversations from films ('Janet!' 'Doctor Scott!' 'Janet!' 'Brad!' 'Rocky!'), or snips of lyrics to ultimately construe the chorus of a song (the most recent being Rack City). Their more sinister attempts on electronic devices have been stealing phones and changing the names of contacts to Harry Potter character names, and adding ridiculous automatic signatures for texts and emails.

  
This time though. They weren't expecting this.

  
Kili found, or more accurately HEARD, his Uncle Thorin's phone on the kitchen counter top. Both Kili and Fili were staying at Thorin's while Dis and Vili took a small trip the countryside for the weekend, half leisure, half for work. The younger of the boys glanced to the elder, they shared a smirk before Kili propelled himself from the sofa and scrambled to the kitchen, the mischief would now commence!

  
Or at least they thought it would.

  
The phone was buzzing angrily with vibrations as multiple texts poured into it, one after the other. But Thorin, having learned quite early what sort of nosy people made up his family, made sure that no part of messages displayed on his lock screen, just who was sending them.

  
Kili saw Bilbo Baggin's name on the screen, seven messages were unread, all from him. Bilbo was the recently added on landscape architect Dis had hired for the Durinson & Company restoration firm, he was excellent at what he did, and had become an even greater friend of the family. Bofur had discovered him, then introduced him to Dis, and then to Thorin. The relationship between their Uncle and Mr. Baggins seemed... strained, to say the least... So it was odd to see Bilbo's name on their Uncle's phone screen, madly trying to gain a reply from him, it seemed.

  
Cracking security codes was Kili's speciality. He always figured out the codes, every time, no matter what, and it pissed off his parents and uncles greatly.

  
"Boggins," (originally a misheard introduction turned hilarious nickname), "is texting Uncle, seems very keen to get his attention," Kili mumbled from his spot in the kitchen. Fili made an acknowledging hum from the sofa, eyes fixed on the match playing on the television.

  
Kili went about changing the security code again, the little mischevious bastard he was, before he tapped into the messages and read the new texts from Mr. Baggins, mumbling the words under his breath.

  
' _How're you handling the boys so far, doing alright on your own_?'

  
' _I could come over and help if you'd like. It's only fair after you stayed overnight while I was taking care of Frodo the other weekend_.'

  
' _Oh, that reminds me, you're still on for accompanying me to Lobelia's next Thursday, right_?'

  
' _Thorin_?'

  
' _Thorin, you promised_.'

  
' _Thorin_!'

  
" _Damn you, Thorin Durinson! I made you cum don't ignore me_!" Kili's voice sounded loud and higher in pitch as the message progressed past his lips, horror tinting his tone, his eyes wide and mouth agape as he looked up just in time to see his Uncle emerging from his bedroom.

  
"Oh, my god! What?!" Fili shouted, his inflection a mix of disgust and amusement, as practically vaulted over the sofa and made for the kitchen where Kili was still shocked still.

  
"Uncle, what the fuck?!" the younger wailed when his brother plucked the phone from his grasp, eyes intent on the screen for a moment before he threw his head back and cackled wildly.

  
"Give me that!" Thorin reclaimed his phone, face beet red, and cursing under his breath as every attempt at entering his password failed.

  
"Oh god, I can't unsee that! It's burned into the back of my eyelids!" Kili moaned while Fili was a collapsed heap on the floor, clutching his sides, still cackling like a mad man.

  
Suffice it to say, mischief managed... at least when it came to Uncle Thorin and Bilbo.

 

.


	9. Bofur to Bilbo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://31.media.tumblr.com/60710db4bcb10e03fbdedb135810fff9/tumblr_my12xxWBjG1r00ixgo9_1280.jpg
> 
> I blame booze for making me all strangely sentimental. Fluffy?

.

.

 

Bilbo was at work. Stuck at the office. The building was desolate and dark aside from his cubicle's desk lamp. He'd been there since 7 that morning and now it was well past 11 PM. And it was a Friday no less. His stomach hurt, not only from craving sustenance - he'd gone almost two hours without a snack now - but also from recalling the messages he'd sent out to his friends earlier in the evening, telling them he wouldn't be able to make it out tonight; trapped at work, needing to make a deadline lest Director Smaug (the Terrible, as the office secretly referred to him)torched him to ashes where he sat. The boss had a temper, and Bilbo sure as hell wasn't going to test it; hence why he was still working on something that had more or less been finished an hour and half ago.

  
The project was technically done. It just needed a critical eye to overview it, but Bilbo just wasn't sure if it was right, if it needed more, if it needed less. He was going to go mad, and soon, probably, if he didn't make a decision and finally called it good.

  
He ran his fingers through his honey curls, nails scratching against his scalp, wincing against the pinch in his back, and startled quite badly when his phone buzzed and tinkled with a message. He sighed, straightening up in his chair, breathing through his nose to steady his frantic heart, he'd nearly thought it was The Terrible himself, roaring for him to get back to work.

  
The message was from Bofur, knowing that alone he knew he was in for something good.

  
' _do you ever get an overwHELMING RUSH OF POSITIVE FEELINGS TOWARD SOMEONE FOR NO REASON??? LIKE THEY DON'T DO ANYthING BUT YOU JUST SUDDENLY REALIzE HOW MUCh yoU LOVE THEM AND YOU CANT HOLD IT BACK???????? i gotTA TELl yoU HOW MUch I ADORE AND ADMIRE YOU AND U CAnT STOP ME_ '.

  
Bilbo chuckled aloud, a wide grin stretching mouth. Bofur had a habit of sending out these moderately well worded thoughtful texts now and again, but more often they happened when he was happily intoxicated, as was obviously by the rather alarming frequent change in large and small lettering.

  
' _Alright there, Bof_?' Bilbo replied.

  
And no less than a minute later he recieved another text, and another after that, the latter had an attachment as well. Bilbo read the first, ' _Exceptionally so_!'. And the next there was a photo, all crammed together, each of them managing to get their faces within the shot, smiling brightly or caught in mid word, was Bofur and his brother and cousin, as well as Dwalin, Ori (without his constant elder brother guardians, for once, which was quite astounding), Fili and Kili, Gandalf, their mutual friend, his friends Galadriel, Elrond and Radagast, and finally Thorin, who looked the most bashful among the rowdy group set within a pub.

  
Bilbo's gut swooped and his heart thudded in a gleeful way seeing Thorin looking so shy. For months their friends made blatantly obvious hints, always pushing them toward each other, making sure they were sat by each other in group settings. "BECAUSE YOU TWO ARE STUPIDLY ADORABLE TOGETHER AND YOU COMPLETE EACH OTHER!" that's how Dis, Thorin's younger sister had explained it, and not a second later, Frerin, the middle child of the three Durinson's, loudly proclaimed, "AYE!" in agreement.

  
The photo came with the caption of, ' _We miss you_!'

  
His stomach lurched with love, and before he could reply, Bofur shot another message, ' _yOU WORK too hArd but i cOMMEND YOU FOR YOUR INGENUITY!!2ewoim?/ PLEASE MEET US AT DISSSS's fOR THE AFTER PARTY. WE'LL CELEBRATE YOu_!@!!!'

  
Again, before Bilbo could raise a finger Bofur beat him to it with another text.

  
' _wear something dashing. Durinson's bloody RIPE FOr the plucking! AHAHaa_!'

  
Bilbo smashed a palm to his forehead, but could not stave the blush spreading and grin on his face from growing wider, nor the thundering of his heart in his chest. He replied with a simple, ' _I'll be there_ ,' and quickly powered down and cleaned up his work station before clicking off his desk lamp and making his escape. To home and comfort, to where he belonged; with family.

.


	10. Legolas, Kili, Tauriel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> http://cdn.damnfunnytexts.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/TQHqufv.jpg
> 
> https://24.media.tumblr.com/9e8afa562b4f090f99b449824fc6f568/tumblr_my12xxWBjG1r00ixgo10_1280.jpg
> 
> Two in one! Embarrassing dads! Alriiight!

.

.

 

Three archers were sharing a group message on Facebook. Tauriel in her room at home in Mirkwood, music playing lowly from her laptop. Kili in Erebor, app open on his phone screen as he sat on the sofa among his relatives, there was a match on the television that Dwalin, Thorin and Frerin were animatedly invested in, mostly shouting, occasionally jumping up, sometimes throwing things across the room, mainly drinking the fridge dry. And in Greenwood, Legolas was seated at the desk in his father's study, his own computer having crashed and literally burned beyond repair three weeks ago, he was subjected to his dad's bulky, ancient, miraculously still running desk top computer.

  
The three hadn't seen each other since the last archery meet in August, and the days were drawing closer to Christmas. Distance didn't hamper their strong friendship, they spoke to each other almost daily; phone calls, texting, instant messaging. And now, they were currently exchanging war stories - embarrassing dad moments.  
Kili had them beat so far. Explaining a recent text from Fili to their father.

  
' _Why does a chicken coupe have two doors_?' Fili started, leading into a stupid pun that would have Vili in stitches well into the next week.

  
But then his father blindsided him, replying back quickly with, ' _If it had four it would be a chicken sedan!!!!! FUCK I'm good_!'

  
The red mark on Fili's forehead from the face palm, followed by a head to desk, lasted an entire hour.

  
Legolas's fingers clacked against the old keyboard, typing up what would surely crown him winner of this battle of boasting shame.

  
' _Last Christmas we bought a fake Christmas tree and the guy behind the counter said to my dad, "Are you going to put it up yourself?" and my dad said, "Don't be disgusting... I'm going to put it in the living room."_ '

  
Tauriel was only capable key smashes, while Kili typed out his laughter in exaggeration. They admitted their surrender soon after.

.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Imagine it... You can't UNimagine Thranduil saying that... My god, I nearly peed myself! Hah!


	11. Tauriel & Kill

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://31.media.tumblr.com/9e8cdbcfdeb883ccf50e56f301f42746/tumblr_my132sodHV1r00ixgo2_1280.jpg
> 
> switchin' it up! they are complete dorks and it's wonderful

 

.

.

Kili and Tauriel knew their battle plan backwards and forwards. Every other weekend. It was always the same. Mostly they were out to have a good time, but if either one of them happened to spy something attractive, they would approach with determined caution, and try to get a snog, if not firmly on that.

  
They were each other's wingmen, and they were fucking horrid at it, being the biggest pair of goofballs to ever grace the planet.

  
And though Kili was soundly caught up in a raging crush on his archery instructor, Legolas, he would never let his best mate down, or abandon her.

  
So here they were, entering the club they frequented tri-monthly, and immediately began combing the crowd for hotties like a couple of creeps. After no potential bomb shells displayed themselves outright to the duo, they went to linger at the bar like a couple of flies.

  
After many drinks and many dances they were back at the bar again, seated on the tall stools, Tauriel's eyes were sharp on the crowd while Kili was answering some texts. He glanced up briefly when the song changed and to check on Tauriel who was a little ways down the bar, but then did a double take when a person not too far away from his friend caught his eye.

  
With wide obvious eyes, his thumbs flew frantically over over his phone, and a moment later Tauriel was pulling her own phone out from within the confines of her bra.

  
' _Red alert. Hot guy on your right_.' said Kili's text.

  
Not the most nonchalant of people Tauriel immediately whipped her gaze to her left, hissed a curse at her lack of direction, then looked to her right. Eyes wide, she swung her focus back to Kili and mouthed, "OH MY GOD." Blond haired, grey eyed, Greek god, with ridiculously alluring thick, dark eyebrows.

  
Kili made to move from his spot to be closer to his friend, and to get a better look at Mr. Statuesque. His phone bleeped, ' _Faked a sneeze so he'd say bless you to me. Playa's got moves like Jagger_ ,' she ended the text with a little dancing woman. He snorted and typed out a quick reply.

  
' _DAMN, you're good. I'm gonna go trip so he'll ask me if I'm okay and maybe touches me_.'

  
He did exactly as he explained, and the hunky dude did just as he hoped, concern in his smooth, dark voice, and his touch incredibly warm on Kili's forearm. He fought against a giggle and he assured the guy he was fine and made his escape, opening up Tauriel's new text as he came to stand beside her.

  
' _You tripped amazingly!!!! But omg he sees us texting each other! He's onto us! MISSION ABORT! MISSION ABORT_!'

  
Kili flicked his eyes up, Tauriel was unabashedly gawking too, both had the expression of the little horrified face she had added at the end of her last text. Luckily though, the guy wasn't looking at them with contempt or distaste or anything. He actually looked sort of amused as he shook his head at them, a little smirk on his mouth.

  
Thranduil kept them company the rest of the night.

 

.


	12. Ori to Dwalin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://31.media.tumblr.com/e469bbde960efe4ece60518547099e29/tumblr_my132sodHV1r00ixgo3_1280.jpg

.

.

When Dwalin woke up it was by the unyielding stream of light shining through the blinds landing firmly across his eyelids. No matter which way he turned, this way to face away from the light, or burying his face under a pillow it didn't help any. He, unfortunately, was awake now, and his body completely disagreed with his mind's decision. He groaned, long and weary, and reached an arm out from beneath the covers to grab his phone from the bedside table.

  
The time read 2:19 PM when he clicked the screen to illuminate, and he groaned again.

  
He body ached and his head throbbed, and he couldn't recall any reason why he felt like that. He'd have to ask someone to jog his memory... Probably... Ori. He could recall he'd been in the company of Ori last night... and others? Blast it, he couldn't remember. He tapped his phone to get to his messages, prepared to hit Ori's name, but then he saw the inbox full of unread. Bofur, Dori, Dis, all had unreads. The beginning of Dori's looked like the start of a scolding, dull; and Dis' simply read 'OMFG! You're so fucki-' and cut off there. Bofur's read '[IMAGE]', and for whatever reason his stomach clenched with foreboding. He skipped those for now, and clicked Ori's name, typing out, ' _What. The fuck. Happened_ ' and then putting his phone down, praying for the battle in his head to find peace, and soon.

  
His phone buzzed and startled him from nearly dozing again.

  
And Ori's response, he could practically hear the empathy in the text, ' _You were so pissed last night. You don't remember anything_?'.

  
Well he sure as hell felt like he'd spent the majority of his night tossing back drinks, ' _Oh I wasn't that drunk. Probably didn't do anything too stupid, right_?'

  
The reply was nearly instant, ' _You were flirting with a cop_.'

  
That perked Dwalin up, slightly, since he was known to be quite the charmer when tipsy, ' _She must've been really fit then_.' He tried to get out of bed after sending that. Tried and succeeded, though stumbling enough to need to brace a hand against the wall. He suddenly feel a dull spark of pain in his chest, but ignored it in favour of getting to the toilet.

  
After taking care of buisness he felt that twinge in his chest again, he washed his hands before lifting up his shirt and discovering two little reddened marks on his skin below his left pectoral, they sort of looked like tiny burns... Hm.

  
In picking up his phone again he found an explanation before he could even ask for it. ' _No, it was a man cop. And as soon as you started feeling him up he tasered you and you yelled HARDER_!!!'.

  
Dear god. Dwalin blanched, and quickly tapped out, ' _We never speak of this_...'

  
' _Sorry, mate. Probably Bofur's already sent out all the pics from last night_.'

  
Dwalin had never switched from a conversation so fast. Those photos... No amount of texted death threats would do the trick... He was going to throttle that flappy hatted ninny.

.


	13. Dis to Thorin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://24.media.tumblr.com/28af7c6a6df0f981e0d75f28c8863749/tumblr_my132sodHV1r00ixgo4_1280.jpg
> 
> I really, really enjoy shit-a-directions Thorin. Also awkward, shy Thorin. And confident Bilbo.  
> Really I think I could dig any personality on either of them... But awkwardshy Thorin, wow.

 

.

.

Thorin was panicking, which seemed to be a common theme as of late. How he had even managed to succeed in his chosen occupation he had no idea; he was the shittiest cartographer there ever was, he always, always got lost, and rarely had any idea of where he was, where he needed to be, or which direction he was facing. He was hopeless, but very determined. Which is probably how he survived so long. But never in all his journeys, all his adventures of getting tremendously lost, did he panic in such a manner as this.

  
Professor Bilbo Baggins had just walked into the cafe Thorin was in, and he'd caught his eye just before he stepped forward to give his order to the girl working behind the counter. Young for what he was, a teacher of cartography and geography, he was a precious addition to the staff of Rivendell University. And though Thorin felt the rug being pulled from beneath his feet, the axe about to drop, because he was practically an intern compared to Professor Baggins, he also felt his neck and ears flushing hot, and a sudden dryness in his throat; because for all that Bilbo was clever and well traveled, he was equally as handsome. Thorin had an outrageously huge crush on him, and all those who knew - which could be practically anyone given how awkward and blushy Thorin got when around the new professor, even if someone mentioned his name he'd have a babbling, twitchy fit - found it highly amusing.

  
He scrambled for his phone in his cardigan's pocket and clicked on the messages, frantically tapping out a text to pretty much the only person on his phone he texted.

  
' _Dis, he's here. And he saw me and I think he's going to talk to me. What do I do_?!'

  
It wasn't an uncommon ocurrence for Bilbo and Thorin to see each other in that particular cafe; to the innocent bystander it would appear Thorin was over reacting, which he was, but after all the polite nods and quiet greetings in passings in corridors and break rooms, Professor Baggins had something like intent in his eyes. Of all the little grins he'd paid to Thorin this one seemed resolute, and Thorin was incapable of playing it cool in front of someone he fancied.

  
Bilbo's drink order was being prepared, but more often than not all he'd get was black tea with no sugar and a splash of milk... not that Thorin was paying attention to his drink orders or anything... So he didn't have much time, Dis needed to answer him quickly before he made a complete tit of himself.

  
' _Wow! Okay, first of all, calm the fuck down, big brother_.'

  
He glanced up. The girl behind the counter was handing him his drink. Fuck's sake, Dis!

  
Her messages came rapid fire after that. Instructions coming in word by word, as was her style of texting. Thorin glanced down, frantic for advice, and nearly screamed aloud when he read:

  
' _And just_ '

  
' _Do like_ '

  
' _Baby steps_ '

  
' _Step 1 say hi and smile_ '

  
' _Step 2 suck his dick_ '

  
He could practically hear the unwritten cackles from his sister, and he mentally cursed her, unable to do so with aggressive presses of his thumbs on his virtual keyboard because a moment later he heard the sound of someone clearing their throat. And looking up he found the ever-pleasant visage of Professor Bilbo Baggins himself directed at him. Fuck.

  
"Afternoon."

 

.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and a thought suddenly struck me, if anyone's got a funny something to prompt me with, go ahead and send it, if you'd like... just a thought. putting it out there... yeeah...


	14. Kili (and Fili) to Bilbo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://31.media.tumblr.com/220f27d265f49b59ad2d301dd90d18c2/tumblr_my132sodHV1r00ixgo1_1280.jpg
> 
>  
> 
> not exactly a text post or text conversation screenshot, but I said challenge accepted and produced this.  
> Frodo is an oversharer when drunk.

 

.

.

  
They were standing, most of them, under the tent for the reception while toasts and speeches were made to Sam and Rosie's happy future. Frodo, as Sam's best man, was the last to speak, and at first it had started out lovely, if not slightly slurred. He'd made a dash to the bar and took a couple of shots to rid him of his jitters before his speech. And now it was turning from lovely and heart touching to just plain embarrassingly hilarious. Merry and Pippin were having the hardest time keeping their giggles stowed behind clenched fists.

  
Bilbo was standing just outside of the tent, having forgone his footwear, FINALLY, and was curling his toes in the grass, untouched flute of champagne in his right hand as he listened.

  
A buzzing in his pocket drew his attention away from Frodo's memory of Sam and the rest of them when they were in secondary and Sam would practice writing his and Rosie's name together in his notebooks. Oddly though, he'd usually pen them as Samwise Cotton. That earned a roar of laughter from the crowd, and brought a bright redness to Sam's face.

  
Bilbo reached into his trouser pocket and retrieved his phone, though it was rude, Frodo was off on a tangent now, slowly going back in time and explaining all that ought not be explained in such large detail.

  
' _Bilbo help,_ ' the text read, from Kili.

  
Bilbo's brow scrunched in confusion, ' _Sorry_?'

  
' _I hate him,_ ' Kili replied.

  
And Bilbo looked up, searching the audience for the man in question who was sending him such vague texts. And he found him, just near the bar where the rest of the Durinson's and company were lingering. Kili's eyes were pleadingly wide, with a hint of pent up rage. Beside him Fili looked like he was about on the same level as Frodo.

  
Two buzzes shook his hand and he looked to the texts.

  
One from Kili, ' _He just grabbed my bum_.'

  
One from Fili, ' _I just grabbed his bum_.'

  
He looked back up again, Kili's face was still stuck in shock and anger, while Fili looked chuffed to bits and tipsy as ever.

  
Bilbo's brows pulled together even closer, and his tilted his head in question, his mouth open in a half formed wonder of 'What the fuck is wrong with you two', when suddenly he felt a pinch on his rear, and not soon after a voice on his ear, warm breath heavy with alcohol.

  
"No offense intended or anything, but your nephew's got to wrap this up already," Thorin's gravelly tone murmured.

  
Bilbo hopped in his spot, withholding a squeak in his throat before hissing, "Is getting handsy at weddings genetic or something?"

  
But Bilbo didn't get an answer, because Frodo finally said his blessing, gave his thanks and put down the microphone and cheers and applause erupted all around. The buffet and bar opened up and in that distraction of merriment, Bilbo felt himself being tugged by the hand and swept away from prying eyes.

 

.


	15. (dad) Thorin to (daughter) Bella

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> http://cdn2.nwgimg.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/parenting-text-fail-02-550x838.jpg
> 
> e gads! dads!

.

.

Bella was an equal mix of her fathers. Both exceedingly kind and polite, like Bilbo, and a natural leader and bull headed, like Thorin. She was brave and strong of heart, of course; and more often than not, viewed as a rebel of sorts, at least by school's standards. But god help her, the girl was positively petrified of moths. Nothing could send her falling to the floor in a hot second like those light-possessed cooties. No one, not even she, knew how, when or where this fear stemmed, but as she grew older it just seemed to get worse, so much so that sometimes she'd be brought to tears amidst her pleading hysterics for someone to get it away, get it away, oh my god, no, please!

  
18 years old and she'd still yet to overcome her fears as she now found herself trapped in the bathroom; because when she opened the door, a fairly huge moth sat comfortably on the door, just near where her head reached. She couldn't make a run for it - more often than not she was rendered immobile by terror. So she did the next best thing she could do. Whipping her phone from her pocket she texted quickly, eyes flickering up every few moments to keep track of where that bloody disgusting, horrifying thing of nightmares was.

  
' _Dad, there's a moth on the outside of the bathroom door! Can you get rid of it_?'

  
She sent that off, and looked up again to see the thing was crawling on its tiny legs along the wooden door, furry little head pointed her way, STARING at her, making its way TOWARD HER.

  
' _Please hurry because I'm going to cry_!'

  
A full minute passed and she couldn't hear any sound of movement within the house that meant her rescue from the winged demon perched on the door, tormenting her. It was about to pounce, surely, any moment now.

  
' _Dad_.'

  
' _Dad_!'

  
She sent those off with fifteen seconds in between.

  
Her throat squeaked, constricted and closed as she met eyes with the moth.

  
Her phone buzzed in her palm, she ripped her eyes away from the insect and saw a response, finally! But - ' _Dad is dead. You're next. Love, Moth_.'

  
...

  
Three minutes later Bilbo was holding their trembling daughter close, offering her mug of tea, while she whimpered, tears still slipping down her face now and again, her eyes fixed on the table before her.

  
She'd wailed at the top of her lungs, "DADDY!" after Thorin's text, and Bilbo had come running in an instant, shooing the offending bug away and guiding Bella out from within the confines of the bathroom.

  
"Damn it, Thorin! That wasn't funny!" Bilbo scolded.

  
But Thorin was still chuckling at the doorway of the kitchen, wiping his own tears of mirth from his eyes, "Oh, come on, it was a little bit!"

.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> seriously took me a whole minute to remember how to spell 'shoo'.  
> getting old and slow in the brain, wooowie.  
> p.s. i had a friend that used to react way worse than that with spiders. even really teeny tiny harmless spiders. holyfuckingshit, that was outrageous. thankfully though, she overcame it.


	16. Tauriel to Legolas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://encrypted-tbn3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQJj20dHuloOv9WYyt2J_zSqUNxrkGGL6OrhCyUsc9l6SU41zHX_g
> 
> fluff

.

.

Legolas had settled easily into Imladris University. He had got in on a scholarship and he wasn't going to fuck it up like his friends in the neighbouring Moria University encouraged him to by doing more partying than studying. No doubt he'd be seeing them soon, more often than not playing the designated driver for his rowdy companions.

  
But his heart was not wholly glad for finally leaving Mirkwood. He'd not only left his father behind but another special someone as well. The image of her was always fresh in his mind; long copper tresses, brilliant green eyes, and the charming freckles that littered her skin, but especially on her face; he'd always pay more attention to the speckles in greater quantity that rested on her cheeks and the bridge of her nose. He could see her bright smile and hear her laugh in his ear. Could feel her fingers laced with his, her soft pink lips carefully caressing his. He missed Tauriel. A lot.

  
He was seated on his bed, brain occupied with envisioning his girlfriend, when his mobile tinkled with an alert. Speak of the devil.

  
He hastily opened and read Tauriel's message. She was a wonder with expressing her feelings, careful and precise with choice of words, so that no other could compare to her elegant phrasing.

  
' _I want to write "I miss you" on a rock and throw it at your face so you know how much it hurts to miss you_.'

  
Legolas snorted and laughed aloud before pondering a response, something he'd hope would measure up her to eloquence, but rarily did. They texted back and forth for the rest of the night. Legolas's first night in Rivendell drawing to an end with a final goodnight text from Tauriel, 'I love you too'.

.


	17. Thorin to Bilbo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://24.media.tumblr.com/bd2d920062ec69a2764107133e4e8f26/tumblr_my132sodHV1r00ixgo10_1280.jpg

 

.

.

There was a party. It was a sort of day-before-the-stag-party-party. And, surprisingly (yet unsurprisingly), it had been Ori's idea. And Kili had clapped him on the back, admonishing him for finally reaching the big boy's level - whatever that meant.

  
Though Kili probably saw it as more time to drink and act a fool, Bilbo saw it for what it really was; a way to tire them out before the actual party the next day, so they wouldn't have the energy to go overboard the day before THE big day, like he knew they would; and in a final result would effectively destroy Fili and Poppy's wedding.

  
Poppy was a distant niece to Bilbo, but not so distant enough that he would refuse when she asked him to walk her down the aisle. As it had been Bilbo who introduced the two in the first place. An unlikely couple, but it seemed impossible to see them paired with anyone else now.

  
Now thanks to Ori's cunning, the wedding would go off without a hitch... Though Bilbo hadn't factored what sort of unimaginable mischief his Ereborian friends would get up to during the day-before-the-party-party.

  
He awoke to a throbbing skull a little before noon. He was in his own bed, thankfully, and without any bed partners, again, he was immensely thankful for that. Today was the day of the actual stag party, and the festivities would likely have a false start courtesy of the previous nights festivities.

  
As he stumbled through his home, squinting at the beams of sunlight blaring through his windows mercilessly blinding him and making his head throb afresh, he counted each slumbering body he stepped over. Excellent. Perhaps they might even sleep through the whole day and wake up on the wedding day well rested and - wait... Wait a moment, his eyes opened and he spun on his heel, counting again. No. No, no. Three were missing. How could they be missing? "Shit," Bilbo hissed and stumbled through his home, over Ereborian bodies and back to his room, in frantic search for his phone. He patted down the sheets like a psychotic, excitable cat; shook up blankets and ripped his pillows away from the bed and came up empty. His search eventually ended in the bathroom, his phone settled in the soap dish in the shower. God, he simultaneously wanted and didn't want to know how the hell that happened.

  
' _Please tell me you aren't dead and you have Bifur and Fili_ ,' Bilbo texted and carefully made his way to the kitchen. He chugged a glass of water before starting a pot of coffee to brew, and he'd encourage the others to follow his example, difficult though it might prove to be.

  
His phone buzzed with two quick vibrations on the worktop and he scrambled for it, his anxiety already lessening with the idea that he'd been blessed with a response.

  
But Thorin's reply, it... It wasn't all that uplifting.

  
' _Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are_.'

  
Bilbo smashed his palm against his face and groaned long and pitifully.

  
At least he had an entire day to locate them and bring them home before the wedding tomorrow. Fucking Ereborian's, un-fucking-believable.

 

.


	18. Bofur, Bilbo, Frodo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> http://xaxor.com/images/funny-text-messages-part-3-/funny-text-messages-part-3-5.jpg
> 
> http://global3.memecdn.com/funny-text-msg-15_o_662005.jpg

 

.

.

Unlike most who lived in Hobbiton Frodo was anxious to leave his small shire town. It was a great place to grow up, incredibly comfortable, welcoming and picturesque, but he desperately craved a life of adventure. Much like the one that led his Uncle Bilbo to cross paths with Bofur. He wanted a happily ever after like theirs, but that wasn't his main goal, and honestly, it was partly Uncle Bilbo and Bofur that fueled his desperation to finish school and get a move on already.

  
He was ultimately grateful for the forewarning, because he could count on both hands and feet how many instances he'd walked in on something intimate and made it completely awkward for all parties involved. But since they'd taken to texting, and more often than not it took a lot of deciphering on Frodo's part to understand them, he just wasn't sure what to take seriously and what not to take seriously.

  
Such as the case was now, a prime example of why he needed to spread his wings and fucking fly like a bat out of hell out of that pleasant little town.

  
He was in between classes, switching out one book for another, and took a moment to check his phone.

  
He had a few messages from Pippin, just nonsense, and asking if he'd done yesterday's history homework. One from Sam, asking if he wanted to come over after class let out. And one from Uncle Bofur.

  
' _Don't come home, me and your uncle are getting it on tonight_.'

 

Frodo's eyes widened, before a smile pulled at his lips, ' _HAHAHA! Gotta hate autocorrect, right_?' he sent back.

  
The reply was nearly instant. Bofur was far better with electronics than Bilbo was. ' _What do you mean_ '.

 

Frodo's brow scrunched, and he started to head to his next class when the warning tone sounded in the hall, ' _You made a typo, right? Look at your last text_.'

  
He was just passing through the chemistry classroom's threshold when his stomach dropped after reading, ' _No I did not make a typo_.'

  
His face was twisted into something of discomfort, it was impossible to know if he was joking without flat out asking; he could merely respond with several dots that would perfectly express his horror. Fearing what else the man might divulge he turned off his phone before finding his seat.

  
The school day continued on and ended fairly quickly. And the first thing that popped up on his phone when he turned it on again was a notice that he missed a call, from Bilbo.

  
He shot his uncle a text, never one for calling people back if he didn't absolutely have to.

  
' _What's up? Sorry I missed your call_.'

  
He didn't wait long for an answer, but he glanced up when he heard his name being called from down the hall. He waved when he saw Sam coming his way, then looked back to the text. His eyes widened and he prayed to the gods of autocorrect to grant him strength. This wasn't his life, really... Was it?

  
' _Don't come home for a while, me and Bofur are abou to fuck_.'

  
' _WHAT???_ ' He looked up, no doubt horror painted plainly on his face. He was hopeful, but dreaded to look down when his phone beeped and buzzed in his hand.

  
'* _about. About to fuck. Sorry_!'

  
Uncle Bilbo! He was becoming just as vulgar as Bofur!

  
He had to get out of there - out of Hobbiton - he had to finish school and make a grand exit/escape so he could give Bofur and Bilbo the privacy they so obviously needed.

  
"Yes, Sam. Let's go to yours," Frodo said when Sam finally reached him, mouth open to speak, but silenced by Frodo's monotone words and stricken appearance. Sam didn't dare to question, not yet at least, as they headed for the car park. "Also, do you have any brain bleach I could use?"

 

.


	19. Bilbo and Nori

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://24.media.tumblr.com/16d83723d504caabd0fca74297b6cd55/tumblr_my132sodHV1r00ixgo5_500.jpg  
>  
> 
> Featuring a female Thorin! Wow!  
> I find the lack of female Thorin with still male Bilbo (or any other still male characters) disheartening.

.

.

It was a quarter past midnight when they arrived home. Grateful for a night out that, for once, didn't ultimately end in someone being tossed from a pub, bloodshed, and manly man tears. Gandalf had treated them, saying it was him making up for a lack of a wedding gift. It began with a pleasant supper, moved onto one bar, then another, and finally, after settling a-four-glasses-of-red-wined-Gandalf safely within the confines of a cab and thanking him for a wonderful night, they made their way home.

  
Thorin was too stubborn to admit it, but her feet had been killing her all night - always so adamant to wear her heeled shoes that elevated her a full five inches taller than her husband - so she was quietly relieved that they were homeward bound... That is until they actually got home... And found, making their way inside their cosy home, that the window of the kitchen's back door was scattered in shards all over the wood floor.

  
"Oh-! For fuck's sake!" Thorin groaned, running a hand through her thick, dark mane. Her heels clicked through the house, sounding louder than her grumblings as she disappeared from Bilbo's sight. She arrived back a minute later, tossing her hands up and letting them flop to her sides, "Well, everything's still here. What the hell?"

  
Bilbo let out a sigh and pulled his phone from his pocket to send out a mass text to everyone, letting them know what happened. Thorin was stepping carefully through the glass, some of it crunching under toe as she peered closer at the damage of the door, then to the mess on the floor, "Is that blood?" she pondered, more unimpressed than shocked.

  
' _Someone broke in while we were at the bars. Window is shattered but nothing was taken_ ,' read Bilbo's text.

  
Bilbo had expected a flood of replies in the form of fearful apologies, well wishes and offers to come stay at theirs until they felt safe. But all he received was a response from Nori a few minutes later, ' _No one broke in. Frerin tried to pull a Dwalin and punch through the window... we're at the hospital_.'

  
Bilbo's brow pinched together but he couldn't help but snort. He showed the text to Thorin and she mimicked his pinched confused expression, muttering out, "What a fucking idiot."

  
Funnily enough that's when more texts started coming in, starting with Dis' saying something similar to Thorin's statement, ' _Our brother is a fucking moron_!', and the rest followed the same trend.

.


	20. Thorin & Bilbo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this was written before i saw that spoiler-ish thing in the bagginshield tag on tumblr last night... But if I saw what I think saw... this chapter is somehow a little more funny... in a morbid sort of way...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://24.media.tumblr.com/9375bde0f3a81f2b9517fc854d511186/tumblr_my132sodHV1r00ixgo8_1280.jpg

.

.

The question. Simple. The situation. Odd... Recalling it. Impossible.

  
' _Why am I naked_ '

  
Thorin was extremely thankful that he'd made this discovery whilst still in his bed, beneath the covers, in his home, instead of some unfamiliar place within sight of the public eye, such as the case had been in the past for others he knew. He did not envy them, not in the slightest. So he was grateful and pleased for whatever possessed him or whoever guided him to his bedroom, in the buff, before promptly passing out the previous night and waking up well into the after noon of the next day. That would be his next question; when had he lost attire... and how many people saw.

  
Bilbo always had the answers. The guy always seemed the most clear headed of them even after a blackout sort of night. And always so kind, he was always there to nurse the ones he knew would be plagued with the worst hangover back to health. No doubt he'd arrive at Thorin's soon, his head was taking a brutal internal beating.

  
' _You took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home_.'

  
Thorin's phone slipped from his hand, landing on the blankets pooled near his waist. What the FUCK. Lord help him, he was never going to let his nephews convince him to go to another party ever again. He'd done his time, when he was younger; he couldn't handle this sort of stuff weekly, or, heaven forbid, BI-WEEKLY (Fili and Kili were insatiable).

  
His phone bleeped and he could see Bilbo's new text started with a smiley, ' _Managed to get back your trousers and a sock. I'll take your appreciative repayment for retreival of your articles AND depositing you into your bed unmolested in the form of keeping this video of you stripping on my phone_.'

  
Kind as Bilbo was, he could be just as devious.

.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like to think that Beorn took his clothes. Or Thranduil. Because drunken shenanigans.


	21. Legolas & Kili

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://31.media.tumblr.com/c940643e4517ad5ccd488264d8c9a414/tumblr_my132sodHV1r00ixgo9_400.jpg
> 
> https://31.media.tumblr.com/d827af81f397e7e9720d25a1b1013a51/tumblr_my132sodHV1r00ixgo7_1280.jpg  
>  
> 
> Really though, I have no idea what's going on with this one. [Also full time temp jobs are bogus.]

 

.

.

Kili had not taken the sight of Tauriel with dark bruises on her forearms well. And knowing who the culprit was he didn't hold back when sending a furious text of, ' _WHAT THE FUCK MAN! WHAT DID YOU DO TO HER_?!' to Legolas Green.

  
Legolas and Tauriel had a weekly girls night. That's not what they called it, but that is what it was referred to among Kili's kin because of the glorious day Gloin had mistaken Legolas for a broad-shouldered blonde lass. In his defense Legolas had been facing the other way, though upon turning Gloin still wasn't quite sure, he was terribly pretty for a man ["Definitely the type Gimli was fawning over these days," was the quote]. And thus, every Leggy and TauTau BFF hang out Thursday night became known as Girls Night among the Durinson's.

  
But these weren't normal, typical girls nights, oh no.

  
They usually got up to peculiar things. More often than not Kili would receive photo messages with them in strange settings with even stranger captions going along with them, such as: ' _Dude showed up riding a bike blasting the Ghostbusters theme song. His name is Lasercat. Legs is in love. It'll be a spring wedding_ '. But Tauriel never came back with injuries! Not even when they were tossed from pubs, or suffered from tumbling through foliage when they decided take impromptu nature hikes at dusk [that others were occasionally invited to - though others usually found night archery very unsettling]. Honestly, they should not have been allowed to cavort and scheme and left to their own devices; though they were mostly a danger to themselves, there was always the general public to worry about. Thankfully though, Kili had yet to receive a call about incarceration, court dates or a need for bail money.

  
The bruises would fade in a few days, Tauriel tended to heal pretty quickly the rare times she'd take an injury. But it was the principle of the thing. Kili trusted Tauriel with her best friend, and she comes back like this?! Fuck no! Not cool!

  
The response came in the evening, undoubtedly when Legolas finally woke up; their hang outs tended to leave them corpse-like when they finally arrived in their respectable homes. ' _Well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies_.'

  
Kili was stricken dumb with confusion. There was a plethora of questions he wanted to ask, mostly about where the fuck they had been and what the fuck was ruining through their systems at that moment, but all he could manage to reply with was, ' _Goddamnit. At least tell me you got hurt too_.'

  
' _Oh absolutely. Two broken fingers and a concussion. Ghosts are MEAN_.'

  
Holy shit... What the hell was wrong with them?!

 

.


	22. Fili & Dis

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://31.media.tumblr.com/cadf3ec18d8abfbdc35e3bf7e031f541/tumblr_mfd1cnfELA1qg996lo1_400.jpg
> 
> Happy Holidays!

 

.

.

The holiday season upon them. Poisoning the air with the scent of pumpkin and peppermint flavoured everything. The weather was brisk, everyone was bundled up fashionably. The holidays were upon them; warm and friendly, yet terrifying and violent.

  
Christmas was quickly approaching and Dis was like the legendary coach brought of out retirement for a team of ill equipped shoppers she called her family; she'd make extraordinary gift givers out of them yet. She'd braved the sales on her own earlier on at the beginning of the season, but it was a week before Christmas and she knew for a fact that her boys had yet to buy anyone anything. Though she was quite proud of Dwalin (and the others) when he explained he'd already done his shopping - he left out the fact that he had done so in fear of incurring her last minute shopping wrath (as did the others). So that left her eldest brother, her husband, and her sons. Which brought them where they were now, nearly at the crack of dawn, stood outside the mall doors waiting for the shops to open. All had coffee in hand, save for Dis who was clearly running on pure psychotic holiday adrenaline.

  
The game plan was simple. Pair off and buy one thing each for your respectable grandfathers, fathers, mothers, uncles, nephews, brothers and sisters and friends. And then text when you're finished. Regroup at the entrance in two and a half hours - and BREAK!

  
They all grumbled and groaned, shuffling off into the vast, already uncomfortably crowded depths of the mall.

  
Thorin grabbed Fili by his jumper sleeve and dragged him along, away from his brother who was barely standing on his own two feet, instead leaning heavily against his father, taking slow sliding steps to keep up with him, sleep walking - literal sleep walking.

  
Dis had already braved earlier sales, yes, but her keen eyes sought out more bargain prices and soon she was lost among the crowd, credit card clutched in hand...

  
Two hours passed, and Dis was pleased with the ache in her forearms that were weighed down with 4 or 5 bags each, and she'd only spent little over £150.

  
Another win. Christmas accomplished.

  
She sighed blissfully as she slid into the drivers seat and started the car. She thought she might pop to Tesco too while she was out, as she settled her purchases on the passenger seat. She thought up a list in her head, mentally searching through the pantry at home, picturing what they were out of and needed.

  
Dis was just a mile away from the Tesco when her phone trilled. She was at a stoplight so she reached into her purse and found her phone illuminated with a text from her eldest.

  
' _Where are you_?' Fili's text read. And it was then she noticed a thread of repeated ' _Ma_!''s above that, five in total. The top without any punctuation, but then each escalating in urgency with less space of time between them.

  
Odd.

  
' _Heading from the mall to Tesco then home_.' She tapped out quickly, just as the light went from red to amber, then finally green.

  
She sped along with the flow of traffic, and let out a huff when she hit the next red light. Her phone bleeped again.

  
' _Ma_.' it said simply.

  
Her brow scrunched along with her reply of, ' _What_?'

  
The answer came shortly, just as she glanced up to make sure the light was still red. When she looked back at her screen her eyes widened - dear god - ' _You took me to the mall with you. You took ALL of us_.'

  
The light turned green just as her thumb touched send in her hasty reply, ' _I'LL BE THERE IN A SECOND_!'

  
The holidays usually brought out the good in people; but for some, it brought out the senility.

  
[By the time Dis reached the mall again - 15 minutes later - her group was considerably smaller than before. It was just Vili awaiting her arrival, chuckling warmly, and kissing away the embarrassed and horrified creases lining her forehead. He explained, as he guided them back to the car, that Kili had dragged Fili along to go fawn over the tall red head that worked at the sport shop - he suspected that's why he was so keen to start archery suddenly - while Thorin had called up Bilbo about an hour earlier, having already made his escape in favour of getting second breakfast with good, sane company. Dis wailed miserably, settling into the passengers seat after Vili moved the bags into the back. Her husband assured her that the state of her mentality would be put right again once this wretched jolly business passed. And she smiled at him, feeling the exhaustion that had earlier claimed her boys finally claiming her.]

 

.


	23. Ori to Bilbo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is about the time that Bilbo would arrive at the party in England time, so! Happy (almost) New Year!
> 
> http://htmlgiant.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/04/426_various_21_tv_robert_snowden.jpg

* * *

 

 

.

.

Best. New Year's Eve. Ever.

* * *

  
Bilbo had to work on New Year's Eve. Well, it wasn't that he had to, he volunteered for the overtime, and with pay nearly doubled by the hour he'd be a fool to pass up the chance for a simple eight hour shift. Though once the shift ended, and he dragged him wearisome body from the building and to his car, he wondered if he was actually a fool for volunteering. He was totally exhausted, but it was the sight of 20+ text notifications on his phone that restored some life in him. He was in the vast, nearly barren car park, heading for his car that was one of six in the lot as he tapped through conversations, going from texts he'd received earlier to ones he'd received recently.

 

 

.

6:24 pm - Thorin -

_Why aren't you here. Work is stupid. I miss you_.

.

6:25 pm - Dwalin -

_He's had three so far,  
still mopey you're the only one that's still not here.  
I'll keep an eye on him._

.  
6:59 pm - Fili -

_Bilboooooo!_

.

6:59 pm - Kili -

_bilBOOOOO!_

.  
7:17 pm - Ori -

_He's almost 5 pints in, no signs of stopping, I'm taking photos for posterity_.

.  
7:31 pm - Thranduil -

_Your boyfriend is a fucking piece of work, you know that?_

.  
8:05 pm - Dis -

_BILBO! OMG! YOU NEED TO Be here already. The boys have been singing and_ _  
your fucking boyfriend, aka my pissed brother, is a fucking outrageously emotional wreck! GET HERE! SOON!_

.  
8:47 pm - Bofur -

_He loves you. He's just proclaimed whilst standing atop coffee table._   
_Wasn't quick enough to catch a video of it, but I'm sure you can imagine_   
_"I LOVE BILBO BAGGINS AND WE ARE GOING TO BE MARRIED BECAUSE WE ARE IN LOOOVE!"_   
_shouted in that voice of his._

  
8:48 pm - Bofur -

_Also he's lost his shirt, don't remember when or how... or where it's gone..._

.  
8:49 pm - Thorin -

_ilvr ou_

.  
8:52 pm - Gandalf -

_I do not approve of lateness Mister Baggins. Or should I say future-Mister Durinson. Hah!_

.  
9:13 pm - Dis -

_OH MY FCUKING GOD! BILBO! YOU'VE MADE YOUR CHOICE!_   
_YOU NEED TO GET HERE AND CONTAIN THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE!_   
_HE'S DESTROYING MY HOME!_

.  
9:15 pm - Vili -

_Holy shit you need to get here, mate. He's making a mess_   
_but since I am sufficiently pissed I think it's fucking hilarious, Dis is losing her mind, SOS._

.  
9:17 pm - Dwalin -

_If ucked up. I fuc kedu p. mso ry._

.  
9:18 pm - Kili -

_BILboooOOO!_

.  
9:18 pm - Tauriel -

_[Kili told me I had to do this since Fili's busy aiding in chaos with your apparent future husband] Bilbooo!_

  
9:19 pm - Tauriel -

_Btw. Your BRIDEGROOM is the instigator/overseer of a ragtag group drunken construction workers,_   
_he's even got Legs and Thrandy in on it. Let's never let anyone say Thorin Durinson can't_   
_bring a group of intoxicated blokes together for the common goal of historical landmark replication._

.  
9:20 pm - Legolas -

_Gimli wants me to let you know your dearly beloved is a genius. And I agree_.

.  
9:23 pm - Thranduil -

_He's stupid, best of luck being married to that._

.  
9:30 pm - Dis -

_biLBO OH MY GOD!! HE'S ONLY DOING THIS BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT HERE stILL!!!_

.  
9:30 pm - Fili -

_hahahdsjaslksjfslkfjashahahahahahwehwefaa112? >><;;;opoaudha_

.  
9:30 pm - Bofur -

_Says it's an offering of marriage. Proving his worth as a partner._   
_My god, Bilbo, no amount doubly paid over time is worth missing this._

.  
9:31 pm - Thorin -

_I DID IT FOR YOU_

.

 

  
Needless to say Bilbo was eager to join the party at Dis and Vili's. Kili and Gimli had finally turned 18 during the year, so this party was one of even greater celebration now that they could partake in consumption with their family, which basically meant ringing in the New Year roaring drunk (and though Kili had broken his leg a week and a half earlier that in no way meant he would ingest any less). But it seemed through his array of texts that only one of them was truly lost to the drink.

  
His phone vibrated and pinged with 6 more arrivals of new messages as he made haste to join his family and friends. He parked behind the energy efficient sedan he knew had transported Thranduil, Legolas and Tauriel, and practically ran to join the affair.

  
With the door unlocked he made his entrance and was first seen and greeted by Arwen and Aragorn, and just a pace away from them Elrond, Celebrian, Galadriel and Gandalf. Gandalf chuckled around his tobacco pipe, a plume of smoke puffing in an urgent cloud from his mouth, "My dear boy! A most astonishing wedding gift awaits you. _Monumental_ , one could venture," the old man winked, his lips pulling into a wider smirk around the stem of his pipe.

  
Bilbo felt his phone vibrate in hand as he nodded and continued on through the raucous drone within the home. Music was playing, a broadcast of the countdown was on the television, and a glance toward the kitchen showed small tv set playing a football match lowly. Endless bottles and glasses and plastic cups crossed his vision, but most of the people who had texted him were no where to be seen. Dori was been on the sofa, a pair of 2014 sunglasses over his eyes as he snored soundly, Nori on the floor beside him with a marker in hand, snickering to himself as he pulled the pen along his brother's face - he'd already drawn whiskers, no doubt he was delving into crueler, filthier territory as he outlined a speech bubble and arrow at Dori's slackened mouth. Nori glanced up, then did a double take, "Well, finally the party can start!" he laughed, a slur in his voice. He jerked his head in the direction of the back yard, "You'll wanna see your gift, it's quite stupendous, actually. He's very proud of it."

  
Bilbo's heart thudded as he let out a breath of a chortle and walked through the kitchen and passed the open doorway stepped into the yard. He found the majority of the party outside, most with cameras and phones in hand. He looked at his own phone and saw a photo message from Ori, the thumbnail alone was confusing yet illuminating as to what had occurred in his absence, and what had captured everyone's attentions. Dis stood shaking her head, arms crossed over her chest, a drink clutched in one hand while Fili, Kili, Gimli and Legolas were in stitches not too far from her, but through the gathering of bodies he couldn't see it.

  
He kept onward, people greeting him and thanking goodness that he'd finally arrived as he passed, until he stood front and center before Thorin's assembled likeness of Stonehenge per Dis's furniture - couches, chairs, stools, tables, pillows and even a mattress; he realized then that something had seemed off with the house looking so thrashed, yet so bare.

  
He marveled at the drunken achievement, and looked down to his left to see Thorin was sat crisscross legged on the lawn, shirt still missing, empty pint glass in the circular space between his legs, elbow on his knee and head held aloft by a fist, eyes fluttering to an imminent doze.

  
Bilbo fell over laughing (which had roused Thorin from nearly succumbing to booze induced slumber, and garble a happy crow while hauling Bilbo into his lap and hugging him tightly), he laughed until his stomach hurt and tears couldn't be stopped from falling from his eyes for 15 minutes. He accepted drinks offered to him and raced to reach their level of inebriation. Nori's marker of mischief was pilfered by Bilbo and in his elegant script (even in a quickly-becoming-drunken haze) he wrote 'Mr. Thorin Baggins' across Thorin's shoulders. More drinks were consumed for more merry making, and promises were made of reassembling Dis's furniture in the morrow.

  
Midnight came and everyone shared a celebratory New Year's kiss with their other, hugs and handshakes shared among friends, and slurred well wishes of a wonderful new year. But nothing would ever compare to the last night of 2013, forever remembered as the best proposal of marriage ever.

 

 

.


	24. Thorin to Bilbo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://24.media.tumblr.com/e06ad0e2da35e73aef0b174341796dc6/tumblr_mzbktq9lhD1r00ixgo1_400.png
> 
> Not my best work. But still kinda funny. I'm mad and I presume I will still be mad about Sherlock until the fourth series arrives... though I am thrilled about certain bits, I just - I feel it could've been better written? I don't know. I'm not a great writer so I shouldn't talk, right?  
> Also I'm quite drunk soo... I REALLY shouldn't be talking or theorizing LOUDLY (apologies, family).

 

.

.

Bilbo lost Thorin again.

  
Again.

  
And not 'again' solely in the context of this had happened once before - though it had - but 'again' as in within the same night, within the same hour, within the same house party.

  
It was meant to be a dignified evening. An engagement party. Fancy dress. Friends, family, acquaintances - and anybody else Kili wanted to invite to shove into their faces that he'd won Tauriel's heart (she did find it incredbily endearing and adorable when Kili made it seem like some perilous quest, when in reality she was just a nurse and he was a fucking moron with a compound bow). Thranduil was throwing the party since he was equal parts thrilled and horrified, because Tauriel had approached him in request of walking her down the aisle; so really he was more parts thrilled than horrified.

  
But now Thranduil was gone. Not literally, of course, just pissed beyond belief. He'd made four toasts to the happy couple, likely forgetting that he'd already toasted them three times before. And without the host guiding the evening, chaos took his place. What was meant to be fancy dress, a gathering of people for a dignified evening to celebrate an engagement, was now akin to a rave.

  
The music was repetitive and blaring, at some point three kegs had entered the party (one was already empty and Bombur had decided to occupy it, walking around and claiming barrel armour was the best armour - Bofur thought it was hilarious), at another point strobe lights were introduced, as well as a fog machine. It had completely gotten out of hand.

  
It hadn't gotten out of hand for Bilbo though until what had been a brilliant snog amid the misty lounge turned dance floor, became a game of where-the-hell-has-my-boyfriend-gone-I-turned-my-head-away-for-literally-two-seconds. The mystery was solved quickly when Bilbo's foot connected with something solid that emitted a minute groan, and there he found Thorin beneath the slow crawling fog on the floor. He'd laughed and hauled him back up while Thorin tried to chomp at bits of the mist.

  
The second occurrance was now. Again. Again he lost Thorin, and searching through the crowd, shuffling and looking beneath the fog, and asking anyone if they'd seen him - things weren't looking so great in finding him again.

  
High and low he looked, every room of the vast Greenleaf home proved empty, or otherwise occupied (sorry Legolas and Gimli, though that was _quite_ a surprise).

  
His brain was addled with the drink - and he damned Thranduil for his fine taste in wine that got one fucked up so quickly - but still even he was aware of how stupid he was for not pulling out his phone and texting his lummox of a boyfriend to find out where he was.

  
' _Where'd you go_?'

  
' _I think we need to go home_.'

  
' _You need to a lot of water before we go to bed_.'

  
' _Thorin_.'

' **Not now Bilbo**.'

  
' _What? Yes now, Thorin! Where the hell are you_?!'

  
' **Fuck you! I'm yelling at a mountain right now**!'

  
' _Jesus! WHERE ARE YOU_!!!'

  
There were two kinds of people the next day. People who thought that was the worst engagment party ever, and people who thought it was the best engagement party ever - since Bilbo was at the police station claiming Thorin, Balin, Bard and Tauriel, he was on the fence about it.

 

.


	25. Kili to Bilbo (and everyone)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://24.media.tumblr.com/00f6795a70937a0501bdb4471997cb0e/tumblr_mzfanqP98b1r00ixgo1_500.jpg

.

.

It was late at night. Like really late. Late on Monday, so hardly anyone in Medial England was still up, most everyone was drained from the drawn out, tiring work day Monday's usually brought. 2 in the morning, everyone was undoubtedly with their significant others three hours deep into their sleep.

  
But Bilbo's bladder was particularly active this night, mostly because of the two cups of tea he drank before going to bed. Thorin had advised him against it, and Bilbo had scrunched up his nose and tutted him, "Don't you worry your pretty little head about it, Oakenprick." Luckily for him though, Thorin slept like a log, and wouldn't mock him until they rose in the morning and the signs that Bilbo hadn't slept the night through would be severely etched into his face - and lucky still Bilbo would glance at the clock and mutter that Thorin should've been gone six minutes ago and he was going to miss his train to Erebor, again. Just like Bilbo's inability to hold his wee through the night, it never failed that Thorin would curse and rush out the door because he was busy teasing his husband.

  
On this night, after Bilbo's third trip to the bathroom, he was glad he was restless and unable to fall asleep the moment his head touched the pillow, unlike some people he knew (who were snoring softly beside him, one arm blindly reaching out toward Bilbo in an unconscious motion to confirm the knowledge that Bilbo was there, while the other was thrown up above his head.)

  
His phone vibrated, but he didn't hear it because of its placement atop on of his handkerchiefs - his eyes, having drooped closed, squinted against the blaring light that came with the arrival of a text illuminating his screen, in the room dark as pitch, the light still blinded him through his eyelids. He whimpered quietly, peeking one eye open to grab the bright thing from his nightstand see just who it was who would need a ride from god knows where, or claiming from which police department, or legal help in getting another divorce after an impromptu marriage, again (He'd never understand how Ori remained so enamoured with Dwalin given how impulsively destructive the older gentleman tended to be, but hey, he figured he wasn't one to talk - he and Thorin were nearly completely opposite of each other).

  
His thumb swiped the screen, tapped in his code and got to the messages screen all without him really aware. Opening the new message he didn't find someone in need of help, rather, he found an adorable, ridiculous announcement message, that he was one of 13+ recipients.

  
The caption read: _Hey, wanna see what I made?_  With a little emoji winking. And the photo attached was of a newborn baby swaddled in a pink blanket, cradled securely in one arm against a broad chest - definitely Kili's arm and chest (the other obvious sign that it was Kili was the cut off unmistakable smirk surrounded by sparse stubble near the top of the photo. And only Kili would introduce his child in such a manner).

  
Bilbo's jaw dropped, and reflexively his free hand was reaching behind him, swatting excitedly. Tears were blurring his vision as he took in the sight of the new addition, his new little niece. Thorin snorted loudly and choked awake do to Bilbo's slaps, "What, what is it? What?" he grumbled sleepily.

  
Another text arrived, more formal in its nature, ' _Say hello to Little Miss Elen Durinson, born 1:46 A.M_.'

  
Bilbo's thumbs frantically shot over his keyboard, he had to backspace five times before he managed a congratulatory answer and told Kili his daughter was absolutely beautiful. Thorin was still grumbling his confusion, and slowly, but still ecstatic in every way, replies began to ping up on the group message - and Bilbo shoved the enlarged photo into Thorin's face.

  
Thorin grabbed the phone from Bilbo, wincing at the light. It took a long while before his eyes focused, and he finally understood what he was looking at; his eyes widened, and Bilbo laughed when he mumbled, "Oh, my god. Kili's a dad." And the way he said it was a perfect mixture of pride and horror, as had been most everyone's initial reaction the day Tauriel had sent a mass text of the first sonogram.

  
Bilbo watched Thorin switch back to the messages, scrolling up through the replies of congrats to see the name, then tapped back onto the photo.

  
"My god," he whispered, "She's so cute."

  
Any other time Bilbo would've had a hardy long laugh at Thorin saying cute, but damn it, was he right. The girl, a combination of Tauriel and Kili, she was cute, oh yes, and she would grow even cuter, so cute, that people might actually die. And Bilbo did laugh at that because he doubted that Thorin, in his sleepy state, was actually aware he was saying these things out loud. His chuckles didn't lessen even when his phone was put back on his nightstand and Thorin was suddenly looming over him, "I want one," he proclaimed quietly and proceeded to place kisses on Bilbo's neck.

  
"What?!" Bilbo squawked, and tried not to melt against Thorin's stupid scruffy attentions on his neck - because one, it was too damn late/early for such activities and two, "Wait! It doesn't work that way! Thorin!"

  
Giggles took over and didn't cease, and Thorin pouted when his efforts to 'make a baby' were thwarted by Bilbo's mirth. Eventually he fell back asleep by Bilbo's ministrations of running his fingers through his hair, and that motion soothed him to sleep as well. Tomorrow, or rather, later in the day, would be a time for celebration (and scolding for Tauriel and Kili not calling everyone to hospital when it had started, but it had been a surprisingly quick labour anyway, so there was no point in calling up twenty or so people to clog up the waiting area), regardless of slow going, draining work days.

.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Elen means star in Elvish! We all know how Tauriel feels about stars, it just seemed right, and I needed a name quick before this idea escaped my greedy clutches, so ELEN, yay!
> 
> Also, Medial England - Middle Earth? Seeee what I did there, eeeeh?


	26. Thranduil is bad at saving phone numbers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Submitted text from Chysgoda! Hopefully it lives up to your expectations! I wrote half of it at work and as my break neared its end the story started to get fluffy! And got even fluffier when I got home and finished it! Aah, the fluff!
> 
> https://31.media.tumblr.com/0af56bcb7a3631a2eec9bbd260b0e85c/tumblr_n03670RSWG1r00ixgo1_400.jpg

.

.

Thranduil had a tendency to text wrong numbers, numbers that weren't saved into his phone; because he'd hardly ever remember to add people to his contacts, much to everyone's frustration when they would text him and it would never fail to receive the ' _who's this_?' response back.

  
But it was this one particular text that was family renowned as the one that brought them all together and would eventually bind them.

  
Usually after he'd text a wrong number he would get the confused yet unnecessarily aggressive answer, ' _who the fuck is this_? _?_?' or a much kinder, ' _sorry mate, wrong number_ '. But that time, just after he'd finished primping and preening and in search of his car keys and wallet, he sent out a quick ' _Ready to party_!' text to Elrond - well, to the number he had been so completely sure was his friend's - and received a text almost immediately after the confirmed delivery.

  
It was the normal, luckily not at all vicious, ' _Who is this_?' response.

  
He groaned, shooting back a, ' _Sorry, wrong number_ ' answer to yet another unfortunate victim of his ignorance, and kept up his search for keys and wallet.

  
He made a victorious shout upon finding both under the sofa, how they had ended up there he hadn't the foggiest, but that wasn't the focus of his concern at the moment. His phone had pinged with a text arrival. He was half way poised in responding to Elrond to tell him he was on his way and to assure Cellie he'd take good care of him while they were out, but he paused, seeing the text was from the wrong number he'd texted minutes ago.

  
He couldn't help but chuckle aloud at the text reading, ' _But I wanna party! Don't leave me_!!'

  
That wasn't of the norm. Those accidental contacts were never usually to be heard from again after he apologised. But this person... Thranduil chewed on his lip as he contemplated the idea... Either he could ignore this person and never contact them again, as any sane person might, or he could invite this funny stranger to the party he was close to attending... I didn't take him long to extend an invitation, not naming the place or address until the person answered, if they were brave enough to answer. And just as he got into his car, after texting Elrond about what he was in the midst of doing, he got a response.

  
' _Details! Give me details Party Stranger! Also would you mind if I brought +10 or so_?'

  
Thranduil answered and laughed as he pulled away from the kerb and sped to meet his friend and his new-text-stranger friend and whoever else he brought.

  
And so became the day of the text that linked the Greenwood and Durinson families.

  
"If it weren't for Thranduil's carelessness toward updating his phone contacts like a normal person, and Uncle Bofur's blind disregard to courtesy and self preservation, we wouldn't all be standing here today to witness the union of Tauriel and Kíli."

  
The gathering of family and friends cooed and awed, holding their champagne flutes by the stems high in the air, waiting for the best man to give his finally word.

  
Fíli glanced down to Kíli seated beside him, and seated next to him Tauriel, "To Mister and Missus Durinson, may your days together ever be filled with happiness and health! Cheers!"

  
"Cheers!" the crowd responded together, and they drank... and only some spat, sprayed, or snorted their toasting sip when a small voice from the front table wondered, "Are they going to have sex now?"

  
Most were chortling politely behind their hands, some flushing high up their elegant cheekbones (Tauriel's side of the family), while others were guffawing boisterously, slamming hands on table tops and tipping out of chairs (obviously Durinsfolk).

  
"Frodo!" Bilbo's voice finally came to surface after he'd contained his choking.

  
"But that's how babies are made, isn't it?" the toddler asked innocently.

  
Those nearest the front table, who weren't lost to drink and laughter, would see Bilbo leveling a glare Thorin's way (clearly there was an untold story there), though the elder man wasn't the slightest bit effected as he wiped a tear from the corner of his eye.

  
The rest of the reception was spent with Kíli and Tauriel dodging jabs about children, and more talk about the famous texts that made two big families even bigger.

.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorta big note! I'm in the process of writing a Hobbit Text that is getting close to four pages! Wait, that doesn't really mean anything really... so it translates into abooout 1700 words... okay, in retrospect that doesn't seem very long at all, but the point is! It'll be a goodie! I'm hoping. Because there are so many inspirations to credit for it, goodness me.
> 
> AND! Though I SHOULD be finishing up my parent!lock fic, I have begun an AU that I'm quite excited about, like ridiculously excited about, it's annoying people, my incredible excitement. Anyway. It's a Hobbit fic, but it's an AU that I don't think anyone has thought of... So... If you like Hobbit Texts, I think you might like what I have brewing with this AU... It should be funny, and action-y, and funny, and neat, and hopefully funny. Seriously though. Am I funny? Are these Hobbit Texts even funny?! Anyway... 
> 
> ALSO! Thanks to all who read! Over 3000 views! Holy wow! And those that review! I love you, I really do.


	27. Valentine's Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First - [Kili & Tauriel](https://24.media.tumblr.com/1e3dfb7d23a90655da4132ad849b52d0/tumblr_n0su0bjEno1r00ixgo1_500.jpg)
> 
> Second - [Gandalf to Galadriel](https://24.media.tumblr.com/02b99aa4322cc179c441f48984a4ad41/tumblr_n0su0bjEno1r00ixgo4_400.jpg)
> 
> Third - [Bilbo to Thorin](https://31.media.tumblr.com/7fcaf79853a7ff98b2689cb59e0bbc5e/tumblr_n0su0bjEno1r00ixgo2_1280.jpg)  
> [Bilbo to Bofur](https://31.media.tumblr.com/3baf6398680006531cfde432b1d1cea9/tumblr_n0su0bjEno1r00ixgo3_1280.jpg)

 

.

.

It was the first of February, which meant Valentine's Day wasn't far away. Tauriel had rarely given the greeting card company created holiday any thought as a child, but now, as a woman, she found it much harder to ignore. She found it infuriatingly annoying how it pressured women to be sexy for their men, and entice them with lingerie, and whatever other peddled drivel catering to the male populace's visual stimuli that made the feminist in her roar; likewise she disliked how it encouraged men to buy heart shaped boxes of tasteless chocolates (which again was rather stupid given how women needed to be sexy, and sexy meant physically fit, and fit meant not eating sweets, so what the fucking fuck hell even is this?!), flowers, and fancy dinners to ensure that they would be justly repaid by their women with sex at the end of the night. It was disgusting! And she hated it more and more each year. But damn it... Kili...

  
Her text notification noise pinged and her lock screen flashed with a banner of a new message. The message was from the man himself who had claimed the image of her lock screen; the stupid boyish face, always scruffy, but never managing a full beard, silly, gorgeous, joyful eyes, wide, perfect, bright smile, mid boisterous shout, he was the very textbook definition of mirth, and damn him, he'd found a way into her heart and was firmly lodged there for what she was positive was forever.

  
She slid her little finger across the screen and saw Kili's message just as another popped in.

  
' _m8_ ,' read the first one. God, he was ridiculous.

  
' _u wanna go_ ,' read the second. And she rolled her eyes, replying out a quick yes response, playing his little game because in truth she found it not at all annoying, just completely hilarious. He could always bring a smile to her face, always.

  
No longer than two seconds after her reply was delivered did she receive three more texts in rapid succession.

  
' _on a date with me_ '

  
' _OH YOU DO_ '

  
' _OHHH_!'

She snorted and a laugh burst from her throat, and she glanced around the office, checking to see if anyone had caught her laughter. She pursed her lips together and replied, ' _YOU'RE SAYING THAT LIKE I FELL FOR A CUNNING PRANK! I'M YOUR GIRLFRIEND, YOU EGG_!'

  
Five years since Kili had melted the ice around her heart. He was just the right amount of warmth and joy she needed, the perfect measurement of ridiculous and sweet. She loved him. The geek.

  
Her phone pinged, ' _I know, but you love my absurd ways_ ', he punctuated the text with a winking emoji. Then followed up with, ' _Pencil in dinner @ 8 on the 14th into your schedule, my love, and prepare to be SEVERELY romanced_!' She shook her head, concealing her smile behind her hand, and again, before she could reply another text arrived. ' _Oh, and I hope you won't mind it being a double date with Gim and Legs, as it is your boss's son, aka, YOUR best friend who scored these reservations_.'

  
' _I'll be with my favourite people, and you, on Valentine's Day. It'll be glorious_ ,' she answered, incapable of containing the grin quirking up one side of her mouth, and waited patiently for the reply, and then the realisation reply.

  
' _Great_!' There was the first. 5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 - ' _Hey! Hang on! I'm not part of your favourite people_?!' And the realisation.

  
She laughed so loud she didn't hear the door behind her open, or the steps approaching her desk, and nearly jumped out of her seat when Mr. Greenleaf flicked her ear and told her to quit texting her boyfriend and get back to work. She contained her laughter into quiet giggles, knowing there was no real heat behind her boss's threat when she'd been raised alongside his son, he was practically her father.

  
"So did you buy out the whole restaurant or...?" she asked.

  
Mr. Greenleaf smirked, "It's just a table."

  
"This time."

  
"This time," he nodded with a laugh. As rich dad he never limited himself in spoiling his loved ones, and went especially overboard for his son's wedding last year, going so far as to renting out an entire village. "You won't be so snarky when it's your dream wedding I'm funding, Tauriel."

  
She scoffed, and against the thrill and anxiety of the very unlikely probability of Kili proposing to her, she waved it off, saying he wouldn't be so cheesy to propose to her on Valentine's Day.

  
And he wasn't so cheesy to propose on Valentine's Day. He proposed the morning after.  


 

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Robbing the cradle and robbing the grave were phrases often used when people saw Gandalf and Galadriel together. They were passing judgment simply by appearances alone. They didn't know that Gandalf had a young spirit, nor did they know that Galadriel harboured knowledge and experience of an old soul. And there was no monetary pay off for either of them. It was simply love. They didn't trouble with the 'If only I were twenty years younger' or 'If only I'd been born in an earlier decade', they were together because they wanted to be, and sucks to what anyone else's opposing opinion had to say. When people saw Galadriel with her elderly husband they had no idea that he kept up with the times better than she did, in truth he'd taught _her_ how to text.

  
And with this 14th of the second month being their twelfth Valentine's as a married couple, they tended toward less extravagant gifts - saving those instead for Christmas and birthdays - they would simply exchange chocolate bars watch some compelling documentary or crime drama then go to bed. Simple, easy, lovely.

  
This Valentine's Day Galadriel found herself opening a text from Gandalf as she exited her cab, and smiling amusedly to her phone.

  
People might've thought he was an old man, but Gandalf could be positively boyish when he wanted. At that moment she knew him to be with his friend and doctor, Radagast, and as his company and profession tended toward the herbal side, she had no doubt that was the prime instigator in the text she'd received, which was composed mostly of emoji icons.

  
Two hands, one hand pointing the fore finger toward the next hand that was in the symbol of 'okay', but together the symbol they created meant the lewd sign for sex. Between the two hands and the final emoji icon he typed the word ' _then_ '. And a slice of pizza followed by a question mark ended his message.

  
' _You old romantic_ ,' she replied, knowing he'd catch her sarcasm.

  
She was halfway up the stairs to their flat when his answer came, ' _We can't all be ever eloquent as you, darling_.'

  
She grinned, she couldn't contain it, and responded, ' _I'll order the pizza_.'  


 

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.

  
Most of the time Bilbo and Thorin never kept track of Valentine's Day. Even with all the hype, everything in the shops turning pink and red and heart shaped, and radio and television reminders telling them to get something sweet for their sweetie. They either didn't realise it was the day or they completely missed it. These realisations usually occurred when either of them was at the airport about to board, or already in another country and settled in a hotel.

  
' _Oh, hey! It was Valentine's Day, good thing we fucked then! Love you_!' Or, ' _Oh shit! That was three days ago, wasn't it? Sorry. Sorry, love! I'll get you something on the way home_.' Or last year's, ' _Is today February 13th or 17th? What country am I in again? I think my watch committed suicide. Goddamn it all, I miss you_.'

  
This year would be different. This year they would both be home. Bilbo had arrived home at the start of February, and wouldn't need to take another flight for any meetings for three months, he was thrilled. Thorin had promised to try and get home by Valentine's, but hadn't promised a lengthy stay. But the times they did have long stints together, they usually spent it in a celebratory sort of way. Eating, drinking, films, and sleeping. But Thorin, due to arrive at Heathrow at 3 pm, had other thoughts in mind.

  
' _We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition_?' Bilbo texted while Thorin was waiting for his connecting flight. In truth he was all movie'd out, he'd spent the last four days on the couch watching all the Harry Potter films - come to think of it, he needed the shower before Thorin arrived. And so he informed Thorin that he would be silent for the next thirty minutes or so, a shower and shave beckoned, but refrained from telling him about the four days on the couch - he didn't need to know that bit.

  
Much, much, much to his surprise when he emerged from the steaming bathroom, clean, smooth faced and smelling pleasant again, his phone was flooded and still buzzing with - he swallowed thickly as his eyes hungrily ate up each and every word, a blush tinting his chest and neck and cheeks and ears - positively filthy texts from Thorin about what wanted to do once he was home and they were together again, but after he had a shower because ick, airplane and airport germs.

  
Bilbo wasn't that shocked at the detail of it all, as Thorin was the dirty talker in bed, but usually when he said these things he was actually saying these things, close and hot in his ear, not in text form, with paragraph breaks and semi colons. And usually Bilbo wasn't pressed - in a manner of speaking - for a proper response, he would be capable of gasps, groans, and nods and the occasional whimpered please. But now here he was, stuck for an answer. And he couldn't and didn't want to leave Thorin unanswered, and by the last text he knew the plane was ready for take off in three minutes. He had to answer before Thorin turned off his phone!

  
Bilbo still had his head in his hands two hours later when his phone buzzed on the coffee table with two texts. One from Thorin that was a kissy emoji along with the words, ' _Just got a cab, nearly home_ '. And the other from Bofur, in reply to his text he'd sent immediately after responding to Thorin before the plane took off - ' _I responded with ''neato burrito'' to his SEXTS... He tried so hard and I just panicked_!'

  
' _Hey_ ,' began Bofur's consoling answer, ' _He knew what adorable geekery he was getting into when he put that King's Stone ring on ya. Happy Valentine's Day_!'

.

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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not a big fan of Valentine's Day. But a HUGE fan of Valentine's Day candy clearance at Target the day after! Only the loNELY CAN PLAAAY! Wink. That song makes my feelings go - ...huh? Oh, and the fandom made valentines on tumblr, those are great.
> 
> ANyway, still sorta working on the big Hobbit Text I have now entitled 'I'M IN LESBIANS WITH YOU', so that's... something... Also writing some supes emotional Thranduil, as if The Hobbit wasn't tragic enough, I have to write out my Thranduil's wife angsty headcanon. So much angst. Ugh.


	28. Long Suffering Best Friends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Kili](https://24.media.tumblr.com/9bb7e21849caeb1c4e70f5d3530c6c37/tumblr_n2ecgq8WPE1r00ixgo1_1280.png), [Kili](https://31.media.tumblr.com/e8695f17c8bc7e85a2b8667e291d87d9/tumblr_n2ecgq8WPE1r00ixgo2_1280.png), [Legolas](https://24.media.tumblr.com/82209f91537237e9b64762873670d176/tumblr_n2ecgq8WPE1r00ixgo3_1280.png), [Thranduil](https://24.media.tumblr.com/8576ac00b37d0b6342f1a1a0cef4480a/tumblr_n2ecgq8WPE1r00ixgo6_r1_1280.png), [Thranduil & Galadriel](https://24.media.tumblr.com/5e10c855e511050c6ab8907f20bf1e36/tumblr_n2ecgq8WPE1r00ixgo5_1280.png), [Thorin](https://24.media.tumblr.com/7852d16c27ae095abf5bdc10450efa26/tumblr_n2ecgq8WPE1r00ixgo4_1280.png)

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Long suffering best friends. Usually the pair of friends consisted of the one half who received the strangest, questionable, stupidest texts from the sending other half.

  
For example: Fili was subjected to his brother's whiny texts about Tauriel since the two had officially become a couple - all were rightfully astonished when the seemingly disinterested, unattainable girl agreed to a date with Kili. But apparently dopey eyes and preposterous attempts at charm did the trick.

  
They'd been on for six months now. And Fili received the most absurd or graphically detailed unwanted texts from his brother concerning Tauriel since day one. More often they were like poorly written sonnets with emoticons and emojis, waxing poetic about how beautiful her long ginger hair, or how brilliantly her eyes sparkled in different lighting or her freckles, he just really loved her freckles; to which Fili would reply simply with ' _Sop_.' But sometimes there were some, like the most recent ones he had received, that just made him laugh.

  
' _The second she challenged me to a Mario Kart drinking game I knew I was in love_.'

  
And.

  
' _She sent me a pic wearing only my Batman cape... she stOLE MY CAPE DUDE_!'

  
He replied with loving harshness, ' _Shut the hell up. You're a lucky little shit._ '

  
Tauriel was no stranger to puffing out long exasperated sighs after reading foolish texts from Legolas.

  
' _The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house_.'

  
She sighed, but couldn't contain a laugh that broke the exasperated sound toward the end as she began to tap out her reply, ' _Gross_.' Then quickly following up with, ' _I'm sure your dad has some. He's a total slut. Just steal one of his_.'

  
She snorted and laughed again when he answered, ' _Hey! My dad isn't a... well... Yeah, suppose you're right. And you were right, the top drawer of his nightstand is just a solid layer of shiny foil squares. At least he's a responsible slut_!'

  
When it came to Thranduil, he was definitely the sender of ridiculous laments about missing and hating his ex wife or anecdotes about his son, while Galadriel was the unlucky recipient of his texts. Though she was used to his behavior; friends forever, they had vowed on the play ground nearly four decades later - she wouldn't go back on her promise, they had pinky swore, after all.

  
' _It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead_.'

  
She laughed softly through her nose, ' _You're about wine_.'

  
A response came a half an hour later, ' _Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment_.'

  
She'd usually proceed by ending the texting volley with a ' _Save me enough for a glass_ ' and head over to Thranduil's to give him some company. Then unintentionally get just as drunk as him while watching Disney movies, simultaneously laughing and sobbing hysterically with nostalgia, then texting Gandalf that she would be home the next afternoon as she was too drunk to drive herself.

  
Unfortunately for Dwalin he was not an exception from this seemingly unspoken rule of friendship. He wasn't sure if he was glad that he received fucked up texts from Thorin, or if he wished he was the one having the most legendary shitty Friday nights every other week.

  
' _When you're 18 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack. But when you're 43 it's called alcoholism_.'

  
But he was a good friend. More often than not he would ask him where he was so he could pick his drunk ass up deliver him home safely, or he'd instruct him, ' _Mate. Get a cab, and go home to serenade your husband_.'

  
Long suffering, but it was a misery they endured, because that's what best friends were for.

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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 4000 views! Woohoo! It's like YOU GUYS are my long suffering best friends *sniffle*... Okay, maybe too much, a little weird.


	29. Thorin to Bilbo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorta fluffy! I kinda like it.
> 
>  
> 
> [Thorin to Bilbo](https://24.media.tumblr.com/30026ff2aa033cd19d170096592b55f2/tumblr_n3ye44oHO01r00ixgo1_500.jpg=%E2%80%9D_blank%E2%80%9D)

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As a 35 year old man, babysitting his sister's young sons was the very least likely task Thorin would have anticipated actually enjoying. Bilbo had cancelled their date because of family matters - something about a cousin going to jail for theft and how he knew this day would come because as kids she was always stealing his toys and his mother's jewellery. Regardless of his always knowing Bilbo had to go to Lobelia and help her out, which meant, fifth date - postponed - which really meant, cancelled and totally ruined. So Thorin had begrudgingly accepted watching over Dís' boys for a while while she had a little relaxing mummy time to herself when he texted her about the trouble and she made a quick suggestion.

  
And it wasn't that Thorin didn't love his nephews, he loved them dearly, he was their godfather, after all, and it wouldn't do to hate the little bastards. It's just he wasn't all that great with kids, no matter how much Dís wailed over how fucking adorable he looked with a baby in his arms. He was the eldest of his siblings, so he didn't get how he was so awkward with kids, and he wouldn't openly admit it, but he had been dodging Fíli and Kíli in hopes of just interacting with them once they reached their twenties, and it wouldn't be so weird... maybe. Now he would be saddled with them for a solid three hours. A ten year old and a seven year old. Oh dear.

  
He'd arrived at Dís' place and she welcomed him with a firm embrace before immediately listing off the do's and don't's that he really wished she had just written down because he wasn't retaining a single word until she said the final rule as they entered the kitchen to find the boys contentedly snacking on biscuits and milk. Thorin's eyes only bugged out a little when she declared the one curse word rule per week, and a smile cracked his normally stony visage with what proceeded until he couldn't contain his laughter and he was holding his sides as tears slipped from the corners of his eyes...

  
He wished he had babysat the boys more often now, they were delightful company, easy to take care of, no problems at all while Dís was gone, and Vili had arrived home from work with an hour to spare before she was due back. The boys had sprung up and sprinted toward their father like two predators on prey, each attaching themselves to one leg while they jabbered about how great Uncle Thorin was while Vili - apparently accustomed to the act, the additional weight of the two circled around his calves had become ritualistic - got himself a beer, humming in agreement now and then, though he was likely only paying half attention to what his sons were yammering on about.

  
Thorin smirked at the sound of the boys' excited voices talking over each other and took out his phone. He'd taken photos of things he thought Dís would've thought were cute moments, and maybe some he thought would make a better wallpaper for his lock screen than the boring default ones the phone came with. He tapped onto his messaging app and touched Bilbo's name and started tapping at the keyboard:

  
 _So my sister has two little boys, one is 10 and the other is 7, and my sister told them they could each say one curse word and not get in trouble. So the older one very politely says 'Damn', but the younger one stands, climbs up onto the kitchen table, rips his shirt off and screams 'FUUUUUUUCCCKKKK!' while dive bombing to the floor and my sister just stood there and stared at him because she couldn't get mad at him._

  
Thorin sent the text off, and felt a chuckle in his chest and a smile twisting up the corners of his mouth at the memory. Dís had stared Kíli down for a solid half minute, a moderately crazed look in her eye, lips pursed into a line that became finer and thinner by the second, before sighing tiredly and dropping a kiss on the top of his head, then Fíli's, and then punching Thorin - who was still laughing so hard he was starting to wheeze - in the shoulder before taking her leave. They then watched a movie and played Avengers along with the film, Fíli naming himself Thor, while Kíli took Hawkeye, twanging at the string of a kids toy plastic bow, the arrows long gone, either lost in the yard or purposely hidden in the house by Dís. "And who will I be?" Thorin asked.

  
"Ummm," Fíli hummed, "You can be Coulson! He's the glue that keeps the Avengers together!"

  
"Doesn't he die?" Thorin noted, as they had just seen the lovable SHIELD agent breathe his last breath not five minutes ago on the screen, eliciting a rather touching reaction from the boys, nearly brought to tears - Thorin had snapped a photo of that, he'd show that to their girlfriends (or boyfriends) when they were teenagers, hilarity and embarrassment would definitely ensue, Dís will love it.

  
"COULSON LIVES!" Kíli bellowed and went on to animatedly explain Agents of SHIELD to him, but Thorin didn't keep up with television shows well, though the way Kíli described it, the way he was so involved and interested, he figured he could give it a shot... and Bilbo probably watched it too.

  
He was pulled from his reminiscence by the feeling of two pulsing vibrations in his palm. He looked to his phone and saw Bilbo answered with, ' _OH MY GOD! That is hilarious! They sound wonderful! And a much better time than hanging around a dismal courthouse_ ', he ended with a sad emoticon and followed up with, ' _Tell me more_!'

  
As a 35 year old man he hadn't expected to take to children so easily, to play caregiver to two little nightmares so well. He wouldn't have expected two years later that Bilbo would be his husband and they would have a little nightmare of their own. But life, with its expectations and disrupted plans, was funny like that.

.

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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, I missed last weeks episode of SHIELD. The one that comes after Winter Soldier and is FULL of spoilers and CHANGES THE MARVEL UNIVERSE FOREVER!  
> I missed it. I'm so bummed. And my computer won't let me watch it. Damn.  
> I have TWO Hobbit Texts that are giving me serious trouble. I'm In Lesbians With You, and a new one that doesn't have a title. BUMMERRRR.


	30. Sexy MI-5 Spies [Fuck Yeah!]

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' _I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work_.'

  
Not soon after that text was sent with a firm press of thumb to touch screen did a phone trill outside the office it had originated from, and a crow of disgust followed by, "Dís! What the hell? Again?!"

  
A quiet, "Oops," was all that came in response. And it was frankly ridiculous how often Dís sent texts to the wrong people seeing as she was the Head of Section D of MI-5. "Sorry, brother!" she called out from her office, though the hulking form of him was already stomping to her office.

  
"Is it really so hard for you to differentiate your goddamn texts and check which conversation you're on before you send weird shit out?" Thorin practically growled from the doorway, his phone clutched in hand, screen still open and vibrant to the text Dís had mistakenly sent to him.

  
"Well I'm sorry, alright? It's just you, Wili, Bof, and Dad I text the most. And sometimes I think it's the phone's fault when it sends out wrong... sometimes," she murmured back, copying and pasting the message and sending it to the correct intended recipient.

  
"I can't believe you're the fucking _Head_ of Counter-Terrorism," Thorin grumbled, covering his face with both his hands, phone pressed against cheek with the motion.

  
Dís glared at her brother, but then a smirk curled up the corner of her mouth and she shrugged, "Dad likes me best."

  
"You need more girlfriends, Dís," Thorin shot back, unmoved by her jab about favoritism, knowing full well - his snarky comment aside - that Dís deserved her place as department head, knowing that she was the main determined force behind his quick rescue/negotiation from Mirkwood imprisonment. Quick in terms of years - she believed eight was inadequate, and every day he could see the apology in her eyes for not getting him back on home turf faster. He was grateful to her, regardless of time, and these childish sibling feuds - he reminded her - were his thanks, a reminder that he was back and they didn't have to think about that anymore. But he still meant it when he said she needed more girlfriends. Most of her friends were his friends, which were male, and there were some things other males didn't want to talk about - such as a woman's monthly bill and her carnal needs being met by her enthusiastic boyfriend (imported from Gondor - she'd wink).

  
"Funny you should say that!" she pushed away from her desk, rolling back in her chair until it hit the wall behind her and she sprang up, "You've got a new officer coming in, _Chief_." She swaggered around her desk and plucked a heavy file from the clutter, handing it to Thorin as she leaned back, one ankle crossed over the other, a typical prideful Dís pose.

  
"Bilba Baggins?"

  
"Never heard of her?" Dís crossed her arms, pose growing evermore prideful, "As you rightly shouldn't have. She does her job and she does it extremely well; she doesn't blend in with the crowd, she blends into the bloody foreground. Nicknamed the Burglar, she retrieves requested information and then some without being seen or heard, without a trace. She's mostly been working on her own in MI6, her skill so great she couldn't risk a partner or team to muck anything up, but she's applied to a position in Section D and I have approved. There's too many balls in this place anyway, definitely need another woman in here."

  
"Absolutely not."

  
"What? Why?" Dís' pose crumbled so fast she nearly fell into a heap on the floor if weren't for the desk supporting her.

  
"Like you said, she's worked on her own, she's used to being alone, she won't be able to adapt to a team environment, she'll try to run the show and become a liability -! Look," Thorin pulled the headshot from under the paperclip in the file, doing well to keep the flush from his cheeks and afflicted tell in his voice, "This is ridiculous. We're covert, and this? This is something easily picked from a crowd, easily recognizable and memorable."

  
"Just because you think I'm pretty doesn't mean I'll ruin your operations," a voice said just as Dís opened her mouth, poised to retaliate. Both Dís and Thorin turned to the doorway Thorin had left vacant upon being handed the new officer's file. And it was the officer herself standing there, fitting her physical description, short, petite, though written words didn't explain of her damned sinful curvacous figure, and the most dazzling dark blue, nearly violet eyes anyone had ever seen. Honey brown hair closely cropped except for the crown, where a mess of curling waves extended out to long fringe across her brow. Thorin was right, she was someone one definitely wouldn't forget, a head turner, cause for a double take and shameless gawk. Her confident little smirk matched the headshot in her file as she stuck out her hand to the higher ranking agent, "Baggins, ma'am."

  
"Dís is just fine," Dís answered springing forward to clasp Bilba's hand in both of hers, shaking firmly and shortly, gesturing a hand to Thorin's towering frame, "And this is my brother, Thorin, our Section Chief."

  
"Ah yes," Bilba grinned, "The Durinsons. You've all got quite the reputation. I certainly plan on meeting your standards," she turned to Thorin and her grin seemed to curl a little differently, her eyes seemed to glint a shade darker as she brought her hand over to offer, "And for the record, I do play very well with others, sir."

  
Thorin had thought the moment he laid eyes on her file he was gone, but no - it was _that_ moment, the way her smirking, perfectly heart shaped pink lips curled around that ' **sir** ' he was totally done for.

  
For the first year he put up a good effort not falling harder for Bilba Baggins, but that's just what Thorin told himself. Just as the rest of the department was enthralled, Thorin was totally smitten for his Senior Case Officer. Fortunately and unfortunately Bilba and Dís had become great friends - fortunate because Dís finally had someone else to accidentally send those Wili intended texts to and someone to talk about Wili and other things that were better with an all female audience - unfortunate because Dís was very aware of how attracted Thorin was to Bilba, and she would no doubt try and play match maker and in the process embarrass the hell out of him. She'd succeeded in her endeavours, mostly in the embarrassing the hell out of him department; childhood stories, funny operations, army tales. And, since the universe never stopped giving to Thorin Durinson, others got in on the embarrass Thorin-palooza. Dwalin, Balin, Bofur, they were all filthy traitors.

  
Regardless of the embarrassment, Thorin didn't make any attempts to initiate anything, even though others were quite adamant for Bilba and his coupling. She was sweet and sharp, exactly what Thorin needed - they said - someone to level him out and keep him in line. Bilba, either blissfully unaware or blatantly aware, did well not to give any outward signs of such until ops that brought her closer to Thorin. Then it seemed that flirting was just another required part of the job.

  
They were working a lot with bombs lately - this particular explosion they needed to fake to protect the public. Neither of them were exactly experts, but they were the two officers sent to find and deactivate the bomb and set up the fake explosion for the terrorists to believe they succeeded and the public to believe the very same, though no one would die at all, sometimes secrets and lies were what kept everyone safe.

  
"So then, what are you best at," Thorin asked once all the occupants and staff of the randomly targeted restaurant were evacuated for a 'gas leak' - the would-have-been unsuspecting victims of tragedy, "Real thing or faking it?"

  
Bilba turned her glance toward him after placing her coat on the back of a chair, seeing the shameless smirk on Thorin's lips, she chuckled quietly before answering, "Play your cards right, you just might find out yourself, Oakenshield." She winked and Thorin's smirk grew into an outright grin as they began to scour the kitchen for the bomb.

  
"Hey!" was shouted scoldingly in their earpieces, "No flirting during an op!"

  
Dwalin added, "We can hear everything you're saying, you know?"

  
"I will accept dirty talk but only if it is directed to me."

  
"Bofur!" both Dwalin and Thorin wailed while Bilba just snickered, crouching down to look along the low cabinets.

  
"Oh relax!" Bofur retorted, they could practically hear the way he was rolling his eyes and waving them off.

  
"Thorin!" Bilba called, "Got it!" They were both on the kitchen floor peering at a landmine that neither of them knew what to do with, but that's what Bofur was on the line for. Snapping a photo and sending it to the expert he quickly rattled off bits of manufacturer information that were less than helpful in deactivating the thing before it was scheduled to go bang.

  
"Eeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr. Hmmmm," Bofur hummed in thought, "Every kitchen's got a microwave, yeah? Even the ritzy places... Yeah, so pop that mine into the microwave. 20 seconds out to do the trick to kill the control mechanism. Dwally says we've got a two minute countdown for the fake'spolsion that you've set up already, yes?"

  
Bilba and Thorin glanced between each other as she settled the Gondor made mine and detonator into the microwave, closing the door after it. She scrunched her brow as she jerked her head toward the collection of smoke and flashbang grenades they needed to set off to make it all look and sound real, her tone oozed with sarcasm, "Quickly as you'd like, no time constraints here." She pressed the timer for 20 seconds as Thorin hurried around the bar to their supplies, "I know the atmosphere might look it, but we're not actually on a date here, Ilúvatar above!"

  
"Fuck you," Thorin tried not to laugh as he gathered most of what he could carry and ran to the front entrance steps.

  
And he only slightly tripped over his feet when Bilba responded with, "You might."

  
They did end up having sex. Right after the debriefing of that very mission. And more after that, especially whenever they were ordered to stay off the grid, which resulted in a sick sort of revenge for Thorin when Bilba would text Dís about their sexcapades. With gems such as:

  
' _I should get him a card, "Thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy (most of the time). My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"_.'

  
' _I'm just more comfortable with the bondage_.'

  
' _I just had sex on a roof_.'

  
' _I woke up with my earring stuck in between my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now_.' (A text originally sent to Thorin while he was out getting breakfast, but then instructed Bilba to intentionally send it to his sister as an accidentally boastful too much information text, with an apology text only after Dís responded with something horrified. Cruel bastard, though in his books they were pretty much even now.)

  
And the most recent, ' _To keep it classy I will take a pregnancy test on Mother's Day_.' But Thorin didn't know about that one. Needless to say Dís immediately switched from disgusted sister straight into concerned best friend mode after that one. Bilba was absent from work for an entire week, wrongly assuming it was just a stomach bug of sorts, when Dís called Thorin into her office.

  
"My finest agent..." she began, and Thorin's spine instantly straightened; he kept his blushing in check as his sister was undoubtedly about to pay him a compliment, he didn't need her poking fun at him as well as regarding his first-rate work. "...Has a _baby_ in her stomach! I hope you're bloody pleased with yourself! Your cock has essentially sent my best agent into retirement!"

  
"Dís!" Thorin gaped, the flush in his cheeks completely out of his control, spreading all over his face to the tips of his ears and down his neck, "What the hell! Not only is that something I never wanted to hear my little sister say, but I have seniority in this department! I should be your finest agent, damn it!"

  
"Yeah, well, I call it how it is," Dís shrugged, then immediately went back to reprimanding, "You stuck your blood sword into Bilba Baggins and impregnated her, you fucking buffoon... Unless it was planned..." She paused, and hurried around her desk, arms flung open wide, "Then in that case, congratu-fucking-lations!" She squeezed the air from Thorin's lungs with the force of her hug as she sobbed into his shoulder, "I'm going to be an aunt! Regardless of planning or not, I'm gonna be an aunt! Ooh, I'm so excited!"

  
"What's this about ants?" Bofur slipped in through the doorway, mug of tea in hand, "I told you not to keep food in your desk, Dízza."

  
"Not that kind of -," she laughed, releasing her brother, allowing him to breathe again with a large greedy gasp, "I'm going to be an A-U-N-T. And Bof! You're gonna be an uncle!"

  
"But I already am one...?" Bofur narrowed his eyes and raised a brow in confusion, then the other brow popped up as he raised his steaming mug to his mouth, "Eight times over, in fact."

  
"To a babe of Durinson and Baggins make," Dís clarified proudly.

  
Bofur resisted spraying his friends/co-workers with a mist of warm tea and swallowed it down before gaping, "Well, bless me! A wee Durinson! Why aren't we celebratin'?! Oh, that's right, Bilba's got a babe in her belly... Still! This calls for a celebration! We're in dire need of something to raise our spirits!"

  
The cake read - " ** _You're both incredibly fertile! Hooray!_** " - in beautiful swirling script courtesy of Bofur's bakery chef brother, the baking and artistic part, the word choice was, of course, Bofur's contribution.

  
Bilba didn't retire, but she no longer worked in the field and she insisted Thorin restrict himself to a desk too, lest an op go terribly wrong and he'd never meet his child and raise him or her... Her, the baby happened to be. She would be the most secure and protected child in all of Arda with her family consisting mostly of MI-5 officers (which would probably prove to be more annoying that wonderful once she hit her teens).

  
With Bilba at work and Thorin at home with Bella, her phone was constantly buzzing with texts, pictures and videos of their little girl growing and learning more with each new day.

  
It was just when Bilba arrived home when she heard Thorin crow from the sitting room, "Holy shit!" And she rushed to see what the problem was, but no one appeared to be injured, nothing particularly amazing happening, until Thorin pushed his phone into her hands as it buzzed with two new texts for Dís' conversation.

  
' _I actually had to apologise for being ''too aggressive about Harry Potter''_.'

  
' _But I think we can attribute that to hormones because fuCKING HELL I AM TOTALLY KNOCKED UP!_ '

  
' _OH SHIT!_ '

  
' _THAt was meant for Bilba!_ '

 

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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Starts with silly Dís, ends with silly Dís. I fucking love Dís. Anyway! This was SUPER inspired by MI-5 because I started watching that because of that damned Richard... damn it. Those of you that are familiar with the show will notice said inspiration. Aaaand we've got lots of texts. Honestly. I have a fuck load of texts and I was like... I have all these texts and I can't make a damn Hobbit Text out of any of these? Really? And then I watched that episode and suddenly seven texts for one Hobbit Text... really? Wow. And this is the first time I've made a Text with a fem!Bilbo! Wooow. Wow. And it was all family and fluffy. You guys like that sort of thing, right? Wink. Wink wink. ALSO nearly 5000 views??? MY goodness!
> 
> [Dís meant for Wili goes to Thorin](https://31.media.tumblr.com/8e71717e13d3dccd0942dbe66c99ce7b/tumblr_n58m0kcwNO1r00ixgo5_1280.jpg) , [Bilba to Dís](https://24.media.tumblr.com/ff5a3d66b1e9c9e55314b5ee853afce3/tumblr_n58m0kcwNO1r00ixgo1_1280.jpg) , [Bilba to Dís](https://31.media.tumblr.com/2d60a337ba653a819a17794ca8460d67/tumblr_n58m0kcwNO1r00ixgo2_1280.jpg) , [Bilba to Thorin and copy and pasted to Dís](https://31.media.tumblr.com/ce93c8f8773ee8386db02076719e86b9/tumblr_n58m0kcwNO1r00ixgo3_1280.jpg) , [Bilba to Dís](https://24.media.tumblr.com/c0cd0e1d21d987578b8df49f37a7a993/tumblr_n58m0kcwNO1r00ixgo4_1280.jpg) , [Dís meant for Bilba goes to Thorin](https://31.media.tumblr.com/9afec98e8c2564ac184ebee3fd5ba0ce/tumblr_n58m0kcwNO1r00ixgo6_1280.jpg)  
> [Also this](https://24.media.tumblr.com/d3eda4d55b6d8d12811a660d648af09f/tumblr_n58m0kcwNO1r00ixgo7_500.gif) [and this because of reasons](http://static.tumblr.com/wqnreo0/9bclw1vwz/tumblr_lt0jiqgsgf1r4pwt8o1_400.gif)


	31. I'm In Lesbians With You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and it only took forever to make this shitty oneshot holy SHIT!!

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It was always a tad difficult for Thorin to talk to girls, let alone people in general; a born leader, but incredibly shy. She was the eldest of her siblings, meant to be the golden child and the role model, but she tended toward the more rebellious side, and remained there; never growing out of her 'grunge' phase, or her 'lesbian' phase, as her parents had referred to it. Her father never had a problem with her, he accepted her just as she was, and that was likely the reason Thorin preferred her father to her mother. And it had been her father who gifted her her first guitar when she was 12 years old.

  
Music was something she had turned to when she felt like no one else understood except the vocalists crooning or wailing out her sorrows right into her ears. So it really was no wonder when she decided, quite suddenly and near viciously, in the company of her best friends Dwalin and Bofur, "We should start a fuckin' band!"

  
And so Durin Sons came to be. Thorin's dark, sultry tones were the main vocals, Bofur was a wild one on a drum set, and Dwalin was a stoic giant on bass, rarely even moving to the beat, never banging his head, but would occasionally lone his voice for sonorous bellowed lyrics. Frerin originally took up guitar in excitement to join his sister's band, but the fact of the matter was, he just wasn't any good with it, and he admitted it, with dignity and grace, after their first and shittiest gig ever, and stepped down... Giving way to Dis, who was much more excited to take to the stage with her big sister and thankfully incredibly skilled with strings, of all sorts.

  
They made a name for themselves locally, and they were proud. They weren't looking for fame and fortune - "Hey! She doesn't speak for all of us! I would like some money, actually, please!" quote Bofur - it was just something to do on the side, something they loved to do.

  
But it was when Dis got knocked up, potentially breaking up the band (and also her little sister was fucking pregnant, what the fuck?!), when Thorin began to panic. She couldn't do this -begrudged to admit it - without her sister, and she most certainly couldn't do this all alone. She wasn't really good with the public, wasn't all that sociable - "Yet yer the fuckin' front woman of a band, good job, you!" yet another Bofur quote - but she was determined to keep Durin Sons a thing.

  
"Audition people to replace me," Dis suggested with a shrug, her stomach already growing larger just two months in (god save them all if she ended up having twins).

  
"I don't want to replace you though," Thorin whined, seeming very much 16 years old again, rather than the 25 she truly was.

  
"Mahal, help me," Dis muttered then pulled a newspaper from beneath Thorin's sulking arse, "Look! There are all sorts of musicians playing locally! Take your mates and go see a show. Look, here, tonight, there's a girly group playing at Dori's coffee shop! Fuckin' perfect! Go! Go, go, go! Work the scene, scout for talent, flirt with a girl, it'll be great!"

  
"Dis," Thorin levelled her sister with wide eyes, "I haven't flirted with a girl since sixth form, and we all know how that ended."

  
"So what if that's how Mum found out you were the gayest gay that ever gayed, it doesn't matter anymore! You'll never find a steady girlfriend if you don't make it even more blatantly obvious than your attire suggests that you're all for birds!"

"Dis!"

  
"Thorin!" Dis shot back with a grin.

  
"Bofur!" the drummer, flappy hat ever-present upon her head, strutted into the room.

  
Thorin tossed a pillow at her, "Get out of here, Bofur!" and proceeded to bury her face into another pillow, wailing miserably, "How could you do this to me, Dis? How could you conceive?!"

  
"Well it goes a little something like this: Girl likes boy, boy likes girl, boy and girl like a lot. I mean, heh heh, A LOT, then-"

  
"Shut up, shut up, shut up!" Thorin shrieked and tried with little enthusiasm to smother her little sister with her pillow, "What are you still doing here, Bofur!?" she shouted over Dis's loud laughter.

  
"We're going out tonight is how I hear it, and I'm quite excited! Wear your spiffiest plaid, my dear, for I shall be your wing man... woman... And you're buying the coffee!" and with that Bofur made her retreat before the pillow formerly smothering Dis could strike her down with a deadly accuracy chucked by Thorin...

  
They were noticed by a few people, but none had made a big fuss, which Thorin was thankful for, since she was already having a hell of a time with Bofur at her elbow hissing every ten seconds, "Her? What about her? She's cute. Her- oop, not a her. Um, her? C'mon, that girl is hot!"

  
Thorin was thankful yet again when Dori's brother Nori escaped from the confines behind the counter to chat Bofur up. The two weren't technically dating, but Thorin had received more than a few texts that would go down in the books for their amazing but more often concerning and scarring flavour, all thanks to their coupling.

  
' _Somehow during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW_.'

  
' _Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms_.'

  
Those were just a couple from the sprawling list that had accumulated in Thorin's inbox.

  
Thorin was barely paying attention as the band set up, but when the coffee shop goers suddenly moved as one entity closer to the best acoustics corner of the shop, she couldn't help but draw nearer as well. She'd had low hopes, figuring if this was a girl Dori had booked for his shop it'd likely be some little soft voiced, bespectacled chick with a ukulele, or something.

  
' _This is dumb_ ,' she texted to Bofur across the shop.

  
' _Shut up, I'm getting the scoop_.' Came in reply and so Thorin kept their message screen up for the imminent barrage of texts to come. And they did, one right after the other.

  
' _They say the main girl, Bilba, is reeeeeeally good - axe and voice. Her cousin is shit for back up vox, back up anything. Word is there's a feud between the two, threatening to break em up_.'

  
' _Drummer is the daughter of one of Bilba's friends. My god she's gorgeous!!!_ '

  
' _Oh. She's married. SHIT! Dashed before my hopes could reach their full potential_.'

  
Thorin rolled her eyes and quickly tapped out a message before Bofur cut her off with more nonsense, ' _Where the hell are you getting all this?_ '

  
' _Nori knows all. That's why his hair's so big, it's full of secrets_.'

  
The singer fought hard not to physically balk before answering, ' _...How are we friends..._ '

  
' _Dwalin mainly. Then you grew to adore me_.'

  
' _Oh! Shut up! Shoes starting_!'

  
' _Show's, I meant! SHH_!'

  
Thorin snorted softly, stowing her phone in her pocket and looking up just in time to see that indeed the 'stage' was set, sound check finished, and Dori was up there with a microphone in hand - never a good mix - introducing BagEndBurglar. Thorin huffed another amused snort from her nose and sipped her coffee slowly as the little girl band began to take their places and -

  
Thorin scoffed and nearly choked on her lukewarm beverage when she saw this group. They were all quite petite and... innocent looking. _Of **course**_ , this was totally Dori's style. Thorin searched through the crowd to glare at Bofur, but couldn't find her anywhere, so she looked back to the group. People were getting antsy as the girls casually strummed and thumped and tapped until finally the singer - who was quite the smallest thing Thorin had probably ever seen, dressed in a cardigan, button up, and high-waisted floral skirt (bloody pastels?!) - Bilba, muttered her thanks to familiar faces who showed up, as well as the new ones, and that they were going to start with an old favourite.

  
Thorin lost her grip on her cup and the ability to keep her jaw closed within the next 45 seconds. Bilba didn't need to make a downward glance to her finger placement as she began the smooth pluckings, her cousin picking up the same notes just a few moments before Bilba leaned forward to caress her lips against the mic, murmuring softly, sweetly, continuing to give of that air of innocence with just a hint of mischief, though her enticing and aggressive lyrics counteracted all formerly proffered innocence. Words growing harder and harsher in tone as they progressed until she released her guitar in favour of clutching desperately to the stand and mic before unleashing screams banshees would envy. Luckily Thorin managed to regain her hold on her cup before the brew could slosh out, just as the first chorus ended. She was astonished to see the crowd was singing along, some nearly trying to churn up a mosh pit before Bilba as the tune mellowed out again just to amp right back up into the wailed chorus. Bilba went back and forth between her strummings and grabbing the mic, shoulder length honey curls bouncing and snapping across her face as she hopped to the percussion, singing her heart out, giving her all, while her cousin swayed from foot to foot with an obvious disinterest, practically phoning it in. The drummer was just as enthusiastic as Bilba, a bright, beautiful grin on her mouth the entire time.

  
But it was Bilba that had all of Thorin's attention; this girl, she would be an incredible addition to Durin Sons - as well as a perfect occupant in Thorin's arms and/or bed (she damned Bofur's Bofurisms for tainting her thoughts, even if they were true). Powerful voice, great set of lungs, gorgeous, tiny wailing woman, while dressed like a harmless librarian, or a grocer. Small, elegant fingers, nails lacquered pink, working effortlessly and precisely. Yet again Thorin thought she might make a fool of herself if she attempted to flirt let alone ask about the potential band break up and if she'd be interested in joining another - that is, first, if Thorin managed to collect her jaw from the floor, her drool likely mixing to the coffee she had in fact spilled - shit!

  
Once more through the chorus, all sounds decreasing in aggression, Bilba ended the song with a deceptively fragile voice and the crowd erupted. Her bandmates reached down for swigs from water bottles, while Bilba took a hefty gulp from a bottle of something else, grinning shyly before she gave her thanks and led them into another song, this one a cover.

  
Thorin stomped over to the counter where Dori was chuckling delightedly, eyes still on the show, and Nori and Bofur were laughing as she made her way over. "Dori, what the fuck!" she demanded, slamming her - now empty - cup down.

  
Dori just let out another bout of chuckles, muttering in between them, "What? She's quite good, isn't she? Had her here a few times. Lovely girl."

  
"Quite good?!" Bofur cackled, "That precious little cardigan wearing, button nosed angel is a fuckin' riot!" she bumped her shoulder against Thorin, "Show some self respect, I could see your ladyboner from all the way over here."

  
Thorin socked her in the shoulder, which only made her friend laugh harder, and from the bar they watched the rest of the set, the way Bilba worked the crowd, much more comfortably and with a finesse that Thorin didn't really have.

  
Thirty minutes passed, eyes set on the band, ears mostly listening to the music and straining to hear Dori telling them about the inevitable break up; Lobelia, Bilba's cousin, the sour faced girl on guitar, was starting all kinds of shit with Bilba. The story was that Lobelia's boyfriend kicked her out of their flat because she was cheating on him, and Bilba, ever the kind of heart, let her stay with her. But Lobelia's the worst of house guests, she was stealing things, mostly silverware and jewellery to pawn.

  
"And there was something about her calling Bilba an awful artist in all contexts and a slag, so..." Nori added.

  
"Good god, Thorin," Bofur grabbed the thick little braid hidden in the mass of the singer's hair, tugging twice, "Rescue that babe and bring her into our midst. She's a perfect Dís replacement, and you're clearly smitten, win win win!"

  
Thorin nodded, barely listening to anything at all aside from the sound of Bilba's voice, eyes focused on the shapes her spit shining lips formed. "Yeah, I'll, uhh, I'll try and talk to her."

  
Bofur framed Thorin's face with her hands and hauled her around to look straight into her eyes, "You don't try. You do, Thorin Oakrand. There is no try, you talk to that girl!"

  
"Fuck! Alright!" Thorin agreed, peeling herself away just as the set ended.

  
The band was glimmering under the impromptu coffee shop spotlights, shiny and red cheeked from the sweat of their exertion, Bilba's heaving breath panted into the mic as she wrapped up, "Bilba, Arwen, Lobelia. We were BagEndBurglar. Thank you so much!"

  
"Go! Go now! Go forth and conquer!" Bofur crowed, shoving at Thorin to slip from the bar stool. Bofur's brother Bombur took that opportune moment to emerge from the kitchen and flick at Bofur's ear in retaliation for Thorin. "Ow! You bitch!" Thorin heard distantly as Dori set up the radio over the PA system again, and the crowd started chattering loudly, nearly half of them making for the exit, and among them, Lobelia with her guitar case slung over her shoulder, a pinched expression on her face.

  
Thorin watched her go, nose in the air, and none of the coffee shop patrons/BagEndBurglar fans fawned over her like some were with Arwen and Bilba still cleaning up in the corner. Her pocket buzzed twice and she pulled out her phone to see a new text from Bofur, ' _If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive_.' She refrained from turning back to send a middle finger and icy glare to her friend, instead she took a deep breath before pressing forward.

  
To Thorin's amazement, as soon as the lingering fans finally scampered away and she inched closer and closer to the two rock girls carefully yet unconsciously disassembling all their stuff, Bilba's short glance snapped with wide eyes the second time before Thorin could even manage a greeting and introduce herself. Bilba did it for her instead - Thorin, Durin Sons, wow - and then laughed, such a sweet, melodic sound compared to how she actually sang and introduced herself and Arwen again. Conversation was slow, between helping them put everything away in their proper cases and settling them into Bilba's van in the back alley. And once Arwen was picked up by her husband, leaving Thorin and Bilba completely alone, Thorin shoved her hands deep into her pockets, wishing she could just disappear completely into them when Bilba stared up at her with adoring, stormy blue eyes. Her tongue stumbled, and her blush that had been ever-present since approaching to Bilba, intensified when the smaller girl grinned.

  
"D'you wanna, I don't know... get...a... a coff...ee?"

  
"Coff...ee?" Bilba repeated and then put on a fake thoughtful expression, biting on her lower lip, a smirk won out just before she offered, "How 'bout a pint?"

  
They left together to the nearest pub, and Thorin's pocket buzzed with a number of notifications that were undoubtedly colourful texts of praise from Bofur. Through beer and chips they discussed the trials and tribulations of BagEndBurglar, as well as the distress Durin Sons was facing. Brain muddled with liquid courage, Thorin did eventually ask Bilba if she'd like to be part of her band, and in the back of her sober mind, she was sure it sounded more like a marriage proposal - god she hoped she hadn't asked Bilba to marry her too, there was only so much embarrassment she could handle, and Dís and Bofur would have a total field day with information like that. Nonetheless, Bilba agreed, and that was all that really mattered; the band was saved and Thorin had successfully talked and flirted with a girl (the only girl that would ever matter talking to).

  
Durin Sons was a four man band again, and with Bilba, they reached a new level of popularity. Durin Sons signed with Eryn Galen Records, and their tours often came with their opening band, Evenstar, husband and wife duo, Arwen and Aragorn.

* * *

 

  
 **Five years to the day after that fateful gig, after five wonderful years of fans, fame, fortune, fun, family, and love, Bofur was still offering out new names for the group because Bilba hadn't just made them a better band, she also brought Thorin out of her shell, and married the hell out of her, and that was of extreme significance! Extreme enough to qualify a name change!**

  
**"No, Bof, we're not calling ourselves Arkenstoned."**

.

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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many inspirations. First we have an amazing fem!bagginshield modern band AU art [art](http://dwimmerlaiks.tumblr.com/post/47982611526/she-enters-in-long-strides-like-she-owns-the) . As always, texts from last night: [Bofur's](https://24.media.tumblr.com/ec4a8401d31e459e934e2f39f1e3a586/tumblr_n5j6kmYzR91r00ixgo2_1280.jpg) [Texts](https://31.media.tumblr.com/4ce53568ef3f2e415024dbd428c0ea3c/tumblr_n5j6kmYzR91r00ixgo1_1280.jpg). And finally In This Moment - [Whore](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bkWwDhf-Ms8) as BagEndBurglar's song. I know screaming isn't always so great, but it totally inspired me. And girl screaming just feels more empowering than guy screaming?? I don't know. I'm really crap at explaining things when speaking and that totally translates into my writing. I know nothing about music, I just love to listen to it, and sing terribly along with it. And now that I've just edited this I'm thinking how much fun it would've been to have rival bands... Aw, well. Maybe I'll try it again another time. For now I had to do lesbian musicians that totally admire each other and collaborate and wail hardcore together happily ever after... Yeah.  
> Also if there is any confusion. In this chapter - girls: Thorin, Dís, Bilbo, Bofur, Lobelia, Arwen; boys: Dwalin, Frerin, Dori, Nori, Bombur, Aragorn.  
> Also also, 5000 views???? HOLY SHITBALLS AND A HALF!


	32. Halloween

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It had been a grand total of eight years since Dís had had a nice, anxiety-free night out with her husband. Eight years ago she had Fíli.

  
Eight years ago Vili had become the most protective and worrisome of all fathers, ever. And it became even worse when Kíli was born the following year. But after a lot convincing and assuring - and mild threats - eight years after the birth of his first son Vili had finally agreed on a kid-free night out with his sister Imi and her husband Glóin. With it also being Halloween it both relaxed and scared Vili to leave his boys, but he knew they were in the good hands of his brother-in-law and Bilbo... _but his **babies**_!

  
The boys were safe, Dís aggressively assured him as she forcibly tugged him toward the front door. And with added verbal in sync reassurance from his own sons, he nearly bursted into tears, but it was enough of a lull in his concentration for Dís to yank him out of Bilbo's home and to the drive way where Gimli's parents were waiting in the idling car.

  
Fíli, Kíli, Gimli and Frodo. Thorin and Bilbo had taken care of the boys tons of times, easy peasy; Halloween would be even easier. They'd take the group - classically dressed as the Wizard of Oz gang - around a neighbourhood or two for trick or treating, come back, eat some candy, pop in a movie and they'd crash before nine o' clock rolled around. Simple.

  
Bilbo hadn't gone too elaborate with his own costume, he was far too occupied with dressing up his nephew and his boyfriend. Frodo made the most adorable Dorothy, and it took a lot of convincing from all parties involved for the boy's best friend, Sam, to dress up as something other than Toto - the kid already trailed after Frodo like a lovesick puppy, but played the part of protective guard dog just as well. Thorin was another matter, the grumpy brute didn't want to play along, claiming he hadn't dressed up for Halloween since he was eight years old - to which Bilbo quickly shoved his hand over Thorin's mouth to prevent any hurt feelings from Fíli. Regardless, Bilbo got his way; Thorin had enough hair to spare as it was to look positively feral when he didn't have a hair tie taming back his mane, and that worked in Bilbo's favour. Long, wild hair, ruffled beard, a thrashed button down shirt with a splash of blood here and there, pop two enlarged canine's over his teeth and done - a ridiculously, scarily handsome werewolf. Bilbo ignored the icy glare targeted at the back of his head as he carefully painted a skull over his own face with glow in the dark paint to go with a glow in the dark skeleton shirt and trousers. Simple and amusing. So far, so great!

  
A couple of neighbourhoods turned into another neighbourhood when they bumped into a friend of Kíli's, an older, ginger haired girl who was in 5th grade that he was completely enamoured with. The boy hardly cared about the houses that were giving out full size candy bars when she was speaking to him. Bilbo wondered if he could even see past the hearts in his eyes - and also wondered if it was hereditary trait, he'd seen that look directed at him from Thorin's eyes many times before. So two neighbourhoods turned into three, and they revisited a few they'd gone to already on the way back. It was a good haul. And for a while the kids occupied themselves with their candy spread out on the kitchen table, picking out and throwing away the gross, weird, or questionable stuff, trading between each other like it was serious business propositions and transactions taking place. Thorin stole one too many Snickers from Fíli's pile enough for the boy to notice, but before the Lion costumed boy could unleashed a roar of something along the lines of ' **Treachery**!', Bilbo nudged Frodo along to choose a movie to put it while they ate some candy.

  
The title menu and music for How to Train Your Dragon 2 lit up the screen and flowed through the speakers, and like moths to a flame, the boys blindly grabbed at their candy piles and scurried to the couch, all still in full costume. Crisis averted. Bilbo shot Thorin a scolding glance before he wandered away to clean his face and change into more comfortable clothes.

  
By the time he returned, clean faced and in mismatched pajamas consisting of soft sleep pants and one of Thorin's t-shirts, the movie had progressed past Hiccup missing the sheep game. Bilbo stood behind the couch to watch for a bit, and stealthily pick up empty candy wrappers scattered around the kids. Kíli was the only one that remained starry eyed when Hiccup and Astrid kissed while the other boys blushed and looked away, fake retching.

  
Bilbo puttered around the kitchen and living room, stopping for minutes at a time to watch the movie, then going back to tidying up anything that needed tidying. It was just before Valka would be revealed that he pressed the pause button on the remote, and for five long seconds the boys still remained locked on the screen before they realized the image was stuck and began to flail about and squawk in anger. Bilbo shushed them to calm down, they would continue their movie once they changed into their pajamas and brushed their teeth. The process was made quicker with Thorin taking still outraged Fíli and Kíli each under an arm, and Bilbo taking care of Frodo and Gimli. Clean faces, clean teeth, comfy jammies. The boys all scrambled back onto the couch, into their same spots as before and Bilbo chuckled, pressing the play button.

  
Bilbo brewed some tea, he wasn't sure what sort of tea he'd thrown into the kettle after it boiled but he hoped it was something caffeine free. The boys were starting to dose, slowly nodding off as Hiccup, Stoick and Gobber were at Valka's place. Bilbo could hear Thorin at the kitchen table grumbling about dragons, how they were always terrible creatures, and how they should always be portrayed as terrible creatures. Bilbo rolled his eyes and leaned on the back of the sofa to watch the movie. Stoick's character was actually quite familiar, he'd noted numerous similarities between the cartoon and his boyfriend, but at this moment, when Stoick tries to reconnect with his long-lost wife, he daren't make any teasing remark.

  
' **I’ll swim and sail on savage seas**  
 **with ne'er a fear of drowning.**  
 **And gladly ride the waves of life**  
 **if you will marry me...**  
 **No scorching sun, nor freezing cold**  
 **will st** —'

  
'WILL STOP ME ON MY JOUR!—ney. Sorry.'

The boys giggled sleepily at Gobber.

' **If you will promise me your heart.**  
 **And love**...' Stoick let out a resigned, saddened sigh and Bilbo very nearly clutched a hand to his heart. After seeing this movie so many times with his nephew (really, after all this time - bearing witness to their births - Fíli and Kíli were like his own nephews as well) he knew the song well, at this point, it was an unconscious thing for him to hum or quietly sing along.

  
'... _And love me for eternity..._  
 _My dearest one, my darling dear,_  
 _your mighty words astound me._  
 _But I’ve no need of mighty deeds_  
 _when I feel your arms around me_!'

  
The boys had grown used to Bilbo singing along in the background, but it was something new entirely, causing each head to swing around in shock, when Thorin's rich timbre sang above Stoick's lyrics.

  
" **But I would bring you rings of gold,**  
 **I'd even sing you poetry!**  
 **And I would keep you from all harm**  
 **If you would stay beside me**!"

  
Though Bilbo's hand was poised over his mouth, he couldn't hide his amusement as Thorin approached the living room in long, swift strides and took Bilbo by the hand to practically twirl him around the sofa and mimic the Dancing and the Dreaming scene.

  
" _I have no use for rings of gold,_  
 _I care not for your poetry._  
 _I only want your hand to hold!_ **"**

  
 **"I only want you near me!** "

  
The boys had never seen anything like it, it was funny, it was romantic, it was ridiculous! Clapping, singing, or prancing around the living room along with the couple, they hoped this new occurrence was something that happened each time they watched this movie. Uncle Thorin and Uncle Bilbo acting foolish, singing and dancing together along with the cartoon characters on the television.

  
" ** _To love and kiss, to sweetly hold!_**  
 ** _For the dancing and the dreaming!_**  
 ** _Through all life’s sorrows and delights,_**  
 ** _I’ll keep your love inside me!_**  
 ** _I’ll swim and sail on savage seas_**  
 ** _with ne'er a fear of drowning!_**  
 ** _And gladly ride the waves of life_**  
 ** _If you will marry me_ _!_** "

  
The boys were giggling so madly they barely even caught it when Thorin puffed through panting breath, "Really."

  
"Really, what?" Bilbo huffed back, probably the most out of breath out of the whole lot of them, and that included to two Durinson boys sprawled on the floor by their feet, tongues comically lolling from their mouths.

  
"Marry me."

  
It would have been deadly silent if it weren't for the movie playing on, with Thorin gazing down at Bilbo with those hearts in his eyes, and Bilbo staring back, wide eyed and mouth agape for several seconds (the boys staring on quietly in anticipation as well) before his head gave a shaky nod, and his throat croaked out a quiet yes, followed by more yes's growing louder in volume and elation.

  
It was safe to say the boys would never forget that night, and they would never not affiliate that song with Bilbo and Thorin. And it was all thanks to Vili finally giving to a kid-free night with his wife after eight long years.

 

* * *

 

  
Bonus: Next Morning Texts

  
D - 'Holy shit! You're fucking welcome, brother! If it weren't for Vi and I ' _fucking like horny teenaged idiots_ ' as you so pleasantly put it, we wouldn't have made a baby, and I wouldn't have gone to the hospital with a jack-o-lantern painted on my belly, and you wouldn't have been able to flirt with the hottie Midwife Baggins!'

D - 'Before I had him kick your arse into the waiting room. And bar Vili from the delivery room when he showed up. That's a good man you've got there, that **_I_** got you there, he sees shit through.'

T - 'Oh my god, shut up.'

T - 'Btw, my soon-to-be husband is baking Fí's birthday cake right now, you're welcome, Miss Hangover.'

D - 'OMFG! I <3 your husband!'

.

.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here's the thing. No actual text goes with this. I just had the sudden idea of Bilbo and Thorin singing the Dancing and the Dreaming and Halloween was coming up (at the time) so I decided to make it cutesy thing with kids... And I'm an hour and a half late for Halloween. But still! FLUFF. Hopefully enjoyable??


	33. Ringtone

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“It is _bloody_ freezing,” Bilbo grumbled as he arranged his coat to fold over his thick jumper and two scarves, then proceeded to jam his gloved hands up into his armpits for extra warmth, though the very idea of an attempt at warmth seemed laughable. Bilbo’s teeth chattered as he buried his reddened nose into his scarf and hurried along with Thorin’s much longer strides.

Thorin’s much longer strides that seemed unaffected by the cold or snow or rain or any-bloody-thing, while Bilbo legs ached with the additional chilly breeze in the icy air. They were quite opposite, concerning… well, quite a few things, but with the weather their differences thrived especially. Bilbo loved spring and summer, fall was alright, but when he didn’t have to layer up, when he could walk barefoot, and bask in the sunlight; while Thorin loved to put on layer after layer as if putting on armour, he loved a good pair of winter boots, and the brisk whip of winter against his face… but then again he tolerated thick humidity and heat rather well too, but still, that wasn’t the sort of heat Bilbo enjoyed.

“It’s not that bad,” Thorin shrugged, “It’s just because you’re so small, probably.”

“Or maybe you’re an earthen-skinned furnace, who’s being quite cruel in not sharing his natural emanating hotness, and I’m not _just_ talking about your looks,” Bilbo’s teeth clacked with his full-body shivers.

Thorin looked down beside him and saw Bilbo give him a wink. He chuckled, “Freezing to death and you’ll still endeavor to flirt with me.”

“Yes, yes, only for you, dear, now put your damned arm around me before I freeze solid!”

Thorin chuckled again and did as he said, bringing his arm around Bilbo’s shoulders and pulling him close to his body, the new pace slowed them down some, ultimately making their journey longer, which Thorin would have noted but he’d rather not agitate Bilbo more than he already was, given the weather.

The reason for their trek was booze. Just booze. Well not _just_ booze, it was booze for the New Year’s Eve party they were due at within the next hour. With their work schedules leading up to the end of the year, neither of them had had time to visit the shops and gather all the liquor and beer Dís and the other prospective company of party attendees had requested. So they were going now. Walking to the shop, buying anything they could get on such short notice, and then taking a cab to Thranduil’s – since, Thorin begrudged to admit, he had the space to hold such an extravagant event for a number of guests. ‘ _A bigger house doesn’t make him better than you, you know_ ,’ Bilbo informed, to which Thorin just grumbled about blonds always getting what they wanted.

Once they reached the shop - and it’s blessedly warm innards - they got to work with gathering all that they needed from what was available. Thorin brought over a trolley with two cases of beer to where he found Bilbo holding two bottles of whiskey on his hip while he looked over the wine selection with a critical gaze. “Bard said he was taking care of the soda, right?” Bilbo asked as he put the whiskey into the trolley.

“Mhm,” Thorin hummed, form hunched over with his arms folded over the handle.

“Does that include the Cointreau, you think?”

“I think so.”

“Right,” Bilbo tipped his head back to squint at the wine bottles on the top shelf, “Then why don’t you get the ale and cider while I find Thranduil’s damned elusive wine.”

“Ugh,” Thorin groaned, drawing away from the wine selection, “Expensive snobby tastes.” He came back with ale, cider, vodka and a few bottles of sparkling cider for the kids and those adults who wouldn’t be drinking heavily. Bilbo had found the stupid wine but couldn’t reach it. Thorin reached over him and plucked it easily off the shelf. Bilbo turned while Thorin still towered over him and hooked his arms around his waist, “My hero,” he murmured half sarcastic-half seriously.

“What’ll be truly heroic is if I manage to stay conscious to kiss you at midnight.”

“Just don’t rise to the bait when your nephews or sister or cousins challenge you to a drinking contest,” Bilbo nodded surely and for added measure dropped one of his hands to casually and briefly smack on Thorin’s rump. “Such a terrible family, always pressuring and trying to dethrone their poor old king.”

Thorin scoffed, “I am not old.”

“Your grey hairs say otherwise.”

“Stress!” Thorin retorted sharply then gathered his wits before he could get too flustered, “That’s it! I’ll prove I’m not old. I _will_ remain conscious for a New Year’s kiss **and** other things.”

Bilbo turned swiftly on his heel with a brow raised, “ _Other_ things?” he questioned, “Do you mean to sully Thranduil’s trust in us by besmirching a room and/or piece of furniture in his home?”

“Absolutely.”

“You’re on,” Bilbo agreed seriousness, though the smirk at the corner of his mouth betrayed his underlying amusement, “And if you _do_ pass out before midnight?”

“Then Thranduil’s pristine home remains undefiled…?”

“Boring stakes, but fine,” Bilbo shrugged, then made to push the buggy but stopped, “Oh, could you get another one? It takes more than one bottle of wine for him to get drunk like he wants.”

Thorin grumbled under his breath as he plucked another Dorwinion bottle from the shelf, resisting the urge to just drop it into the basket since it would just do more damage than anything else.

They were in for a long queue at the checkout, so Thorin rang for a cab and texted Bard to be sure they weren’t also responsible for the triple sec – which they were not, which was good because it was going to be a hefty bill as it was. At least they could rest assured that none of it was going to go to waste with the sorts of jolly drinkers they had in their combined family, Bilbo was about to note aloud when suddenly a phone began to blare an obnoxious song as it’s ringtone.

‘ _You can have the sex with me, Woah-oh-oh, Science fiction fantasy, Woah-oh-oh, We can make a fuck machine, Woah-oh-oh, A fuck machine! You can have the sex with me_ -!’

But then Bilbo realized it was his own coat pocket that vibrating along with the ringing, it was his own damn phone that was emanating that vulgar song, and was still going as he scrambled through his numerous pockets to silence it.

‘- _Woah-oh-oh, How bad could it be? Woah-oh-oh, We can make a fuck machine, Woah-oh-oh, A fuck machine!_ ’

He finally produced the offending device that had caught a number of queuer’s attentions who either gave the couple icy glares or snorts of amusement; Thorin leaned over to see who was ringing Bilbo’s phone with such an obscene personalized tune and practically bristled like an upset cat when he saw ‘Thranduil G.’ and the contact photo looking back at him just as smugly as he always looked.

“I swear to gods I did not set this as his ringtone, I don’t even have this song on my phone, how the –“ Bilbo hurriedly explained, blushing to the very tips of his ears.

Thorin slapped a palm over his face, “Oh my – It’s still ringing, just pick it up, Bilbo!”

Bilbo smashed his thumb to slide across the screen and accept the call and brought the phone up to his ear, he didn’t even manage a greeting or an accusation when Thranduil muttered pleasantly, “How do you like your ringtone, Baggins?”

Bilbo huffed, of course, he should’ve known. “Why do you insist on upsetting my husband whenever the whimsy strikes?”

“Never leave a non-password protected phone alone within the reach of a Greenleaf!” Thranduil gave in answer and broke into a short fit of laughter. Bilbo held the phone away from his ear and glanced with fake concern toward Thorin, who just looked plainly irritated and far from amused. Thranduil cleared his throat, sobered, then wondered, “Are you on your way yet?”

“We’ve just got to check out, Thorin’s called a cab, so we should be there in… say an hour? Give or take, depending on the traffic.”

“Good. Oh! Did you get my wine?”

“Yes,” Bilbo pulled up a bottle of the wine in question, “We’ve got your wine.”

“Ask if he’d prefer it smashed over his rotten skull or shoved up his stupid arse,” Thorin grumbled with a smirk that was swiftly swept away when Bilbo covered the receiver and sternly whispered, “Don’t give him ideas.” Bilbo took his hand away and mostly listened for the rest of the call with occasion hums of ascent until finally, “Yeah, see you soon, alright, bye.”

Thorin had a textbook defined pout on his lips, though _he’d_ classify it as a brooding look it truly was a pout on an adult male’s face, it was oddly adorable, Bilbo thought whenever he saw it. “Just because you two studied _maps_ together in uni…”

“Oh come on, it’s far more than that now,” Bilbo said as he stored his phone in his pocket, doing well to make sure he switched the tone volume to silent before he did. “Kí and Tauriel. Sigrid and Fí. Gim and Legs. Bard and Thranduil,” Bilbo listed off the happy couplings since the merging of families all thanks to Bilbo four years ago. There was no longer the ‘Whose will we choose go to for Halloween or Christmas or New Year’s this year?’ They were all headed to the same place now, whichever place was deemed the place to be that year, that is. “We’re all a big family now, whether you like it or not,” Bilbo smirked, hooking his arm with Thorin’s folded on the handle again.

“Sounds incestuous,” Thorin complained.

“Well it’s not, thank fucking goodness,” Bilbo easily planted a kiss on his cheek since Thorin was hunched over again and nearer to Bilbo’s height. The pout faded, but not completely.

.

With renewed vigor to stake his claim over Bilbo – even though all were aware Thranduil’s flirtations with his friend were simple jokes; even Bard wasn’t bothered by it – Thorin proceeded to get annihilated, by way of challenging Thranduil to a drinking contest. And it was a good thing he won or it would’ve been an especially embarrassing note to remember how 2014 ended.

Though how 2015 began was especially noteworthy when all had a drink in hand and the final thirty seconds to midnight were counting down and Dís wondered, “Hey, where’d those two run off to? It’s nearly time!”

“Though I didn’t want to hear it, nor do I ever want to hear anything of the like again, I’m pretty sure I heard Thorin slur something about him being too drunk to fuck Bilbo so Bilbo should fuck him instead,” Dwalin, ever the long suffering best friend, regretfully informed.

“Oh dear lord!” Dís wailed, and Dwalin felt justly empathized with, until she continued with a drink induced garble to her own words, “They’ll miss their New Year’s kiss.”

“Or maybe not, eh?” Bofur muttered suggestively, nudging his elbow into Dwalin’s ribs while the rest of the party began to count down from ten. Dwalin pulled a horrified look and tossed back the rest of his drink because he so didn’t want to remember any of this, and if he was lucky with enough booze he wouldn’t remember any of it.

“Four! Three! Two-!”

“HAH! AH! GOD! FUCK! AH-AAAAHHH~! FUCK, BILBOOO~!”

“Yep, definitely missed the kiss ringing in the New Year with that orgasmic howl,” Bofur commented casually, then raised up his glass, “CHEERS! Happy New Year!” Half the party, too drunk to focus on the very loud climax they’d just heard, kept on, while some were sufficiently stunned and scarred. Either way that was the beginning of a new year they’d never forget.

.

.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oooh that was mildly scandalous, wasn't it? Hah! Who doesn't enjoy some bottom!Thorin, huh?! Also Bard/Thranduil??? Did you guys sEE BOTFA?! Oh hot damn. Them looking at each other and getting aggravated with dwarves together is my jam. Ugh, wow, so pretty. 
> 
> It's 2 in the FUCKING morning! Ugh... Here's what it is. This is an extremely late New Year's Hobbit Text because during my winter break I was busy writing my research paper (and drinking). ALSO I had a Christmas Hobbit Text idea, I wrote it, but it's SO FACKEN sad. And I think with the general theme of that Hobbit Text, it deserves way more time and effort than I gave it. But it's just so goddamn sad that I DON'T want to write it, but it's one of those things where you're like shit fuck I gotta write this it's gonna destroy me in the process and eventually destroy others but I've got to do this. So THIS New Year's Hobbit Text was supposed to be the palate cleanser after the Christmas one because DAMN. But I've decided to put this one up anyway because I haven't put a chapter up in a long ass time. The Christmas one will be put up eventually. And we will all cry. But for now - BELATED NEW YEAR'S! No text involved! It was inspired by a song. Hope you enjoyed the chapter!
> 
> Oh and hey, I've got two enormous finals today, so wish me luck???
> 
> And here's the [song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mRJRPbu0ISA=%E2%80%9D_blank%E2%80%9D)


	34. The Epic Valentine's Day Text

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.

There was no real clear, precise moment to remember when this all began. These improbably interwoven tales of happenstance and romance. But a close enough date to lay the blame on was Valentine’s Day the previous year before this one.

Valentine’s Day again. It was a holiday that no one really liked to give any special attention to, well maybe excluding Dís, since she would receive a video chat from her husband from whichever country he was stationed in for his tour of duty. But aside from that no one really cared, it was just another day, with an annoying month and a half lead up to it. For a jewellery company (that had started as simply that and had branched out into wedding dresses and even more wedding attire) this was the time to get hyped; this was another holiday when they would make a significant amount of sales, but really – ‘ _NO ONE CARES!_ ’’

‘ _Stop being so bitter.’ – Frerin._

‘ _You only say that because you haven’t had a girlfriend or boyfriend for two years._ ” – Dís.

“Ugh,” Thorin growled in distaste as he tossed his phone onto his desk and abruptly stood up, his chair rolling swiftly into the wall as he stalked out of his office, hands shoved into his trouser pockets as he began to mosey about the office in favour of reading his siblings rebutting rather than concurring with his complaints. And of course they were right, that’s exactly why he was so bitter, because he was lonely and extra surly since his last relationship failed so spectacularly.

He was like a love-stung teenager, though he was actually 39 years old, and such an attitude was simply appalling on anyone let alone such an imposing man as he. The famed quote from him his friends frequently recited, “I’ll never love again!” Though, of course, he didn’t know of this, as he was extremely drunk when he’d bellowed it out, and his friends were sure quote as dramatically as possible when not in his company.

But then – as one would’ve expected – something, or rather _someone_ , changed his mind. A rather short and adorable someone who was a new hire that Thorin had not been introduced to yet. Thorin had no hand in hiring people - that was all up to his father and the hiring manager. So upon seeing Mr. Baggins, LM Co.’s new finance manager, Thorin very nearly clutched at his chest as if he were struck by Cupid’s arrow. Bilbo Baggins – eyes like blue sapphire gems, honey brown curls, and a smile like sunshine. Thorin really hoped no one within a 10 foot radius was telepathic, because he was literally waxing poetic about Mr. Baggins in his thoughts. But since Thorin was ridiculously stunted romantically, instead of approaching Bilbo and introducing himself, he swiftly turned on his heel and sprinted back to his office to hastily snatch up his phone and text his sister, ‘ _DIBS ON THE NEW GUY!’_

To which Dís promptly - scarily promptly, as if her senses were already keen to her elder brother being up to no good - answered with, ‘ _NO! NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS!_ ’’

.

Similarly during that time, Dís, always right beside her grandfather (Lord Durin of Erebor in the House of Lords) whenever possible while they were in Parliament, glanced up from her sketchbook where she had rough designs for LM Co.’s 2016 collection of dresses and found the council had come to an end for the day. “Come along, Dizzy,” her grandfather called to her, and she quickly picked up her belongings and unceremoniously threw them into her bag and followed him.

Outside of the council room the lords were all extremely courteous to one another – as well as to the chairmen of the lower house in the House of Commons, as Dís could plainly see a live example of in the way Lord Greenleaf of Mirkwood of the House of Lords had become rather friendly with the new House of Common’s chairman for Esgaroth, Bard Bowman. The man before Bard, who’d been forcibly ejected from his seat in the House of Commons, hadn’t been a very good example of how to act and what exactly a representative did – numerous times he’d demanded to be referred to as the Master of Laketown - so Thranduil was graciously offering any help to the new nobleman as he was capable.

But Dís, as she liked to put it, knew whassup. She took out her phone, being courteous enough to pay attention to the conversation around her and to answer when she was spoken to as she texted Dwalin Allaway, half hoping she wasn’t bothering the Commissioner of the Met and half not giving a shit. ‘ _Mercy me, you would not believe the homosexual shit that goes on here. Who needs gay porn when you can just watch one man from parliament make another man from parliament blush?_ ’

The response came about five minutes later when Dís and Thror were walking down some steps toward their car, the driver waiting with a gloved hand on the handle as they approached. She opened the text, ‘ _Jesus fucking hell, woman._ ’ And another text popped in before she could be disappointed in her friend’s disapproval, normally he was so interested – and that is exactly what the second text proved, ‘ _You can’t just give me that little bit with the inability to tell me more! Damned people and their rights to their private lives!_ ’ Dwalin loved the gossip, even if Dís couldn’t supply him with names.

‘ _uGH! I know. But later I CAN tell you about person A and person B and how I’m positive person A would’ve easily dropped to their goddamn knees if those two were alone, hoLY sHIT! It’s so bloody obvious! I’m not gonna lie, I would pay. I would pay to see them at least kiss._ ’ To change the course of conversation she followed up with, ‘ _Anyway, how are you? How are the boys?_ ’

‘ _I’m fine. Boys are fine. Kí’s still grumpy about Fí graduating early. I think all the packing is making him sad._ ’

‘ _My precious babies… But it’s not like Fí’s going very far… but I guess it is very far considering those two haven’t been parted from each other since… well since Fí was an only child… and that wasn’t for very long… My precious babies!_ ’

.

In a tastefully sized flat in Erebor, Kíli was indeed grumpy and quite pouty for a 16 year old boy. He and his brother had done everything together since Kíli’s birth, they were inseparable, thick as thieves, so of course the younger was mildly upset, it wasn’t like he was crying or anything… not a lot, at least.

The sound of the front door thudding closed roused Kíli from his depressed reverie - out of instinct he swiped at his face for any lingering tears even though he hadn’t shed any (this time). He sat up straight, but then slouched for a more relax and composed image as Fíli walked into the room with an open folder with Mirkwood University’s emblem printed on both sides in his hands.

“So how was it?” Kíli asked casually, scratching at what he wished was stubble on his chin.

“Fine,” Fíli answered, snapping the folder shut, “Ori was busy so he couldn’t show me around, but there’s a girl in the female dorms, art class friend of his, she helped me out,” he tossed the folder onto the coffee table and dug his phone out from his pocket before he plopped onto the couch beside his brother.

“Already got a girlfriend, then?” Kíli snorted, “One of Ori’s friends no less, so she must be dweeby.”

“Dweeby? Kind of,” Fíli answered with a laugh as he opened his photo album and tapped onto a video, “She’s a real nerd for arrows. Not really my type - Here,” he passed his phone over as he tapped the video to play, “This is one of my routes to classes, but you can see her there.”

Kíli took the phone, trying his best not to get motion sickness from his brother’s terribly jumpy camera operation, but then all the sick vanished and he felt his heart thud faster, “That’s a pretty arrow nerd,” he stated bluntly.

“Oh, my god! I knew you’d like her!” Fíli laughed as he snatched his phone back, “You and your love for gingers! You’d date Gim if he wasn’t our cousin! Hah!”

“Shut up, that’s gross!”

“Hah!” Fíli wiped at the moisture beneath his eye and patted his Kíli’s arm, “Don’t worry, I’ve got your back, little brother.”

“Guys!” the chorused call had both brothers looking curiously to the teens bustling into the living room - after all this time, the simplistic access Gimli and Sigrid had to their home really made them question just how solid their security measures were. Gimli was still huffing and puffing, hands braced on his knees as he gasped for breath while Sigrid only looked slightly winded and still managed to speak between pants, “There’s gonna be an interning teacher next year! I heard it’s Lord Greenleaf’s son!”

“Where _the hell_ did you hear something like _that_?” Kíli wondered.

While Fíli wondered, “Oh hey isn’t that the blondie Gim’s smitten with? Haha!” he laughed but then became quiet suddenly, not at all noticing the glare Gimli’s eyes directed at him as he finally managed to regain his normal breathing, “Hey come to think of it, I think I saw that guy on my tour. Isn’t he only like… 21? And he’s interning to teach already?”

“Well we’ve still got a few more months of school left, and then summer holiday, it’s not like he’s starting right now,” Gimli rationalized, almost in a consoling sort of way, as if reassuring himself.

“Greenleaf, huh? Who would’ve thought the Lord of Mirkwood’s son would want to be a teacher?” Fíli muttered.

Sigrid had only heard it because her father had told her about it and asked her to keep an eye out for and be nice to Legolas when he started at St. Aüle’s after summer holiday. Sigrid wasn’t deaf or blind or dumb, she could absolutely see the effect Thranduil had on her father already, she wouldn’t say she was thrilled, since she was still a 16 year old girl and the idea of her father getting romantic with someone was a little bit gross, but the more mature part of her mind was glad that he’d found someone to start a relationship with… even if Lord Greenleaf of Mirkwood of the House of Lords was the most imposing character she’d ever met… if she’d met him… which she hadn’t… yet.

“Wait,” Sigrid glanced to Gimli, “Do you really have a crush on Thranduil Greenleaf’s son?”

“Oh, my god! Look at his face! It’s redder than his hair!” Kíli bursted with giggles.

Fíli joined in, “If that’s not an affirmative answer then I don’t know what is!”

.

Friday – February 6th

That was all a year ago.

They were all a year older, but were they all any wiser? ...Not really. But there were definitely some progressions. For instance, Bilbo was sat in his regular booth at the Blue Mountain pub – owned by his friends from Shire University, (Chef) Bombur and (Sous Chef) Bofur Burns. They’d all gone in with the intention of getting business degrees and only one of them managed to see it through – Bofur. Bombur quickly chose to focus on the culinary part of their dream of managing their own pub, while Bofur stuck with the business part of managing a business. Bilbo had switched to finances, half joking he’d come work for them if he couldn’t find anything else out there, with the way he was always day dreaming over maps and far off places and adventure. He had an urge to travel, but right now, he thought he’d get a good amount of savings built up before he racked up any debt, or rather, no debt at all, if he was careful… Though considering the rich boyfriend he’d accumulated and had kept up with for the past six months, he could probably do whatever the hell he wanted right now and damn the expenses. But that wasn’t his mindset. Numbers were his mindset… And given just how much he considered numbers nearly 24/7 he was stunned to discover he couldn’t for the life of him remember his order. He snorted under his breath and took out his phone to tap out a text while he waited for his meal – whatever it was. ‘ _I went out for breakfast this morning and between ordering my meal and now, I have forgotten what I ordered. I'm kind of excited to see what they bring me now._ ’ Bilbo sent the text to Thorin, and added, ‘ _I have a master's degree and I run the budget for four departments at my office. I am an adult. An adult with a surprise breakfast coming_.’

Likely Thorin wouldn’t even be awake yet given how the buffoon worked himself ragged. If it weren’t for Bilbo intervening – which wasn’t his damned job – Thorin would’ve probably died sometime before Christmas a couple months ago. But the man, the damned man, he’d just work and work and work, and there would always be work but he’d never find a place to call it a day.  Some might’ve waged Bilbo only asked Thorin out purely due to great concern for the guy. But it wasn’t that… only… not _only_ that _now_ , at least. Thorin could be kind and sweet when he wasn’t using his voice and stature to be commanding, he could cute when he wasn’t constantly being handsome, and he could be adorable when it was just the two of them.

His phone buzzed, startling him, and he looked down to see the screen illuminated with ‘ _omf gyou’r e so fucking adoralbe. Pleas brng me coffee?? <3_’

Bilbo sighed and rolled his eyes before answering that no he would not bring him coffee, if he was bringing him anything it would be a sedative so he’d actually get some damn rest this week!

He startled yet again just as his thumb hit the send button and someone plopped down into the booth seat opposite him with a friendly, “Hello, Mr. Baggins.”

Bilbo gawked, “My god, you’re alive! And conscious! After all those texts I honestly feared the worst.”

10:00 ‘ _I tried getting kicked out of my favourite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong._ ’

11:30 ‘ _One does not fall in love, Bilbo Baggins! One falls flat on their face after leaving a bar_.’

00:17 ‘ _Oh, my god. Please tell me someone is acting as your handler_.’ – Bilbo.

00:34 ‘ _Nori, tell me someone is with you_.’ – Bilbo.

1:09 ‘ _Gimme a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named 'Cowboy'_.’

“Feared the worst but had _no_ trouble falling asleep last night.”

Bilbo scoffed and waved his hand, “You’re a detective with the Met, Nori Riley, there’s really nothing to worry about. Dwalin could sniff you out within a mile.”

“Ah, yes,” Nori grinned, “The pheromones.”

Bilbo blinked, “I was going to say the booze, but sure, pheromones, whichever you’d like,” shrugged, giving a cheeky grin back when Nori’s fell.

“Coffee,” Bofur announced himself with an uplifting tone, setting down a big steaming mug in front of Nori, who responded kindly with – “Aw, you’re a breath of fresh ass, Bof.” And without missing a beat, Bofur nodded and shuffled three plates from the tray half balanced on his shoulder – “Blueberry short stack, three over medium eggs, hashbrowns, and sausages. I really don’t know where you put it all.”

“In my gut,” Bilbo answered happily as his eyes took in his fresh surprise breakfast.

“So,” Bofur muttered once Bilbo began to set about his breakfast with great enthusiasm, “How’s the Prince of Erebor?”

“Busy,” Bilbo muttered as he chewed, “He’s been working non-stop with that line of business attire since after Halloween.”

“Well it is about time he’s made a name for himself in the company, isn’t it? Soon Thrain’s going to retire and it’ll be good to pass it off to Thorin when he’s already established his own new diffusion line that opens up to a new host of clientele. It’ll make him look good and reliable,” Nori said and took a sip from his coffee, but he couldn’t even bask in the warm, rich flavour when he saw two sets of eyes staring wide at him, “What?” he barked, “I know merchandising!”

“Yeah,” Bilbo muttered after he sobered and crammed another piece of pancake into his mouth, “But given what you were up to last night, hearing all those intelligible words strung together so coherently is quite impressive.”

“Hey, it was for a case!” Nori defended, then quietly added into his mug, “If anyone asks…” and took a few long sips.

“Eh…” Bofur hummed, “So Valentine’s Day, yeah? How ‘bout that! Comin’ up! Any plans?”

Bilbo’s fork clattered to his plate, “Oh shit, I forgot about that. Couples usually do stuff, don’t they? Ohh fuck. What the hell am I supposed to do? What could I possibly do that would impress him? He’s stupidly rich, what doesn’t he have?”

“A night in then! It’s settled!” Bofur suggested before he hurried away to pick up the next order from his brother, and to just get away from the flustered mess he’d unintentionally made of Bilbo.

“Wait, that’s good,” Bilbo nodded along, taking up his fork again, “That’s wonderful, actually! A night in, I can finally make him take a damn rest!”

“Ayy!” Nori half-heartedly cheered into his mug.

.

‘ _Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as 'deliveries of anatomy'. That is all_.’

“Ick,” Tauriel’s nose scrunched as half her body hung off the edge of the bed, she tried not to snicker that would cause a face first fall to the floor, also so as not to rouse her bed partner.

The latter of her hopes was crushed when they launched up with a snort, muttering incoherently, still half asleep with eyes barely cracked open, “What is it? What happen? Is it me? Did I kick you? Do I smell, what?”

Tauriel laughed as she set her phone back onto the floor and heaved herself back onto the bed to circle her arms around her boyfriend’s shoulders and ease him to lie back down. “It’s nothing, Kí,” she explained, “My dad’s just… gross, sometimes.” What he chose to group text her and Legolas, god, what was the man thinking?

“You think you know gross dads? Hah!” Kíli murmured and then muttered himself back to sleep…

“Okay, so... You’re gonna be really late to class, or I’ve lost the concept of time progression again? It’s still 2015, right?”

“Mahal almighty!” Kíli startled so abruptly at the sound of Ori’s voice he jumped directly out of Tauriel’s bed and crashed to the floor in one swift tumble. Neither of them had even heard the latch click or the door creak open. Ori was simply standing in the half open doorway with his arms crossed.

“You know I risk a lot by helping you sneak into the female dorms, the least you could do is wake yourself up so you can go back to _your own_ school on time.”

“Ori!” Kíli hissed as he pulled his shirt over his head, “How high are you right now?”

“ ** _Barely_** … Probably... What time is it?” Ori chewed his lip in thought.

“You should know! You just said I was going to be late!” Kíli shot back but could hardly be mad at his friend when laughter was bubbling up in his tone.

“Oh right! Ummm. Uhhh…” Ori tapped at his faintly scruffy chin.

“It’s 6:15,” Tauriel answered after picking up her phone from the floor again and scrunched her nose in disgust again to see Legolas’ response in the group text – ‘ _Your boyfriend’s underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!_ ’ But she couldn’t help but snort as well.

“Oh shit,” Kíli mumbled, stepping into his boots, he rushed over to Tauriel to give a quick kiss, “I’ll call you later,” he promised, and then patted Ori’s shoulder as he passed through the open doorway, “Thanks, Ori!”

Once settled on the train from Mirkwood to Erebor, Kíli found new texts on his phone.

The first was from Ori, ‘ _It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes._ ’ To which he just shook his head with a laugh. The other was from his brother, even in text form he could hear the suggestive tone in his words, ‘ _So how was your weekly sinning?_ ’

Kíli rolled his eyes before tapping out a reply, ‘ _It was good. Ended up having a three hour make out session with her_.’

Almost immediately Fíli responded, ‘ _What is this high school?_ ’

Kíli scoffed under his breath and tried not to laugh as he listened for the upcoming stop announcement. He was **undoubtedly** going to be late for his first class since he had to go home to Erebor to change into his uniform at record speed and then get back on the train again to get to St. Aüle’s in Moria where he’d **undoubtedly** be badgered by his friends for being late and sneaking onto Mirkwood University’s campus to sleep with his girlfriend on her cramped twin bed one night a week, something he’d been doing since September of last year. What he was doing would get many people into serious trouble if they were caught, but Tauriel had assured him with a wave of her hand that, pfft, it would be totally fine.

And as fate would have it, Kíli’s first period today was gym class, with Mr. Greenleaf, the interning teacher. So as he stumbled into class with his gym clothes haphazardly adorned, he did his best not to flitch under that unwavering stare that he’d likely have to endure through double history after lunch period as well. Tauriel and Kíli didn’t broadcast their relationship per se, only a select few knew about them which included Kíli’s friends and brother and Tauriel’s friends and… adoptive elder brother. So when Legolas leveled him with that icy glare he knew Kíli’s lame overused excuse for being late was false, he knew **exactly** why he was late.

“How can you stand that guy?!” Kíli nearly wailed once he found Sigrid and Gimli during lunch period.

“He’s alright…” Gimli answered and quickly averted his gaze to his food to avoid any further comments.

“He’s nice enough,” Sigrid shrugged, “He’s just protective, is all. After a few family dinners with him and his dad he’s started to get protective over me, Tilda, and Bain too.” She tried not to grin at her friend’s misery as he buried his face into his arms. “Oh, heads up, here he comes,” she whispered to her companions and put on a bright smile as Legolas – or rather, Mr. Greenleaf, since they were at school – strolled by.

“Sigrid, Gimli,” Legolas nodded to each of them with something of a pleasant expression, then narrowed his eyes at Kíli, “Durin,” he muttered darkly and kept on.

Kíli balked and gestured to the fleeting figure of their interning gym and history teacher, but Sigrid simply shrugged again while Gimli was an even brighter shade of red than moments ago.

.

Legolas was walking back to his temporary office and tried not to shout aloud or physically recoil from his phone as he opened up another text from his dad in the group text, ‘ _I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants_.’ It read, and Legolas tried to maintain his breathing and coherent thought as he sped up to get to his office so he could properly curse under his breath without any impressionable young people around.

‘ _Goddamn it, Dad! You’re still on the group text with me and T_!’ and as an afterthought he quickly added, ‘ _And you two had better not still be in my flat! I offer you asylum from the journalists and photographers! That is all! Don’t steal any food if you don’t plan to replace it!_ ’’

Legolas collapsed into his chair, dropping his phone onto the desk as he put his hands into his face and sighed long and loud into his palms.

His phone buzzed with three texts before he resurfaced and looked at them. One was from Tauriel that simply said, ‘ _Ssssick XD_ ’ and the other two were from his father, ‘ _Oops, sorry, children._ ’ And another, ‘ _No we’re not at yours, we left soon after the underwear debacle._ ’

“Oh my god!” Legolas wailed into his palms again and hesitantly peeked through parted fingers when his phone buzzed again, but it wasn’t a text from either his sister or father.

‘ _This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in the face to get it. Otherwise, let the 'High While Analyzing Disney Movies' texts begin_.’

His mouth cracked into a grin halfway through reading the text and he let out a brief chuckle once he finished it. Ori Riley was far from the timid young man he met three years ago with hopes of majoring in political science and getting a job in parliament after graduation. His multi-medium artistic talent was far too wonderful to waste on politics anyway, it was good he’d switched up... even if he got high _a lot._ He tapped out of Ori’s mass message and touched Tauriel’s name - since her name was the only one his phone recognized in the enormous group of recipient phone numbers and she was likely the only person within running distance to Ori at the moment - to send, ‘ _You’d better spare us all from that_.’

A minute later a response came, but in the mass text that read from an unfamiliar number, ‘ _Don’t worry everyone! I got his phone and punched him! I’m a hero!_ ’

‘ _Thank fuck_ ,’ an answer from another familiar number came a few moments later.

‘ _See?!_ ’ Tauriel responded to his text, ‘ _I don’t see why you don’t like Durin’s, they can get a job done quickly and efficiently!_ ’

Legolas rolled his eyes with a small smirk and gathered all that he needed before heading to the history classroom.

.

Kíli tucked his phone away after he added, ‘ _Thank fuck_ ’ to his brother’s heroics, and soon after the bell tolled for the end of lunch. Just double history and maths and then he was homeward bound! ...Until a fellow orchestra member clapped him on the shoulder and said they’d see him at practice after school.

“…Aw fuck!” Kíli cursed in miserable irritation and hoped to high heaven his violin was still in his locker and not left at home.

.

‘ _How is practice going?_ ’ from Dwalin, the concern was well appreciated but Kíli was basically running on fumes at this point of the day. Not only that but their Valentine’s concert was just a week away and the rest of the orchestra had yet to dislodge their heads from their asses to actually play the goddamn music right. He was half tempted to shove his bow directly into his eye socket so he could get out of this earlier.

No one was paying attention, not even the conductor, so he answered, ‘ _Terrible I want to stab everyone here._ ’

‘ _Okay just don't get any blood on your clothes_ ,’ the quick reply came.

Kíli snorted, and tapped, ‘ _You're a police officer you shouldn’t be condoning this_.’

‘ _Don’t tell me how to live my life_.’ That got Kíli to actually laugh out loud, and a moment later the conductor told them to take a five minute break, as if they weren’t already 20 minutes into a break already.

He put all this stuff carefully into his case and considered bailing entirely until he heard a tune playing from a single viola. The source was a tiny girl who Kíli instantly recognized and remembered that very girl’s sister had asked him to keep an eye out for her and make sure she’s okay. Since Tilda and Bain had transferred to St. Aüle’s last year, Bard being able to send each of his children to the prestigious school thanks to an increase in his pay check and a generous benefactor (ahem, his gentleman lover), she’d been rather reserved. Music was her security blanket in a way. Then very suddenly an idea struck him. It was batshit of an idea but it was still worth a shot.

“Hey, Tilda! Have you ever done a duet before?”

.

Bilbo was going around the office turning off desk lamps that were forgotten and saying goodbye to any stragglers that were likely soon to leave too finally. But then - “Bilbo!” Glóin Irving, head metalsmith of LM Co., called out to him from down the hall.

Bilbo turned and saw not only Glóin but Balin, the most trusted design advisor in all the company, looking somewhat concerned yet sternly at him as well.

“What’s happened?” he wondered with complete curiosity, he was sure he hadn’t forgotten anything. His reports were finished, up to date, two copies, one on Thrain’s desk and one on Bilbo’s desk to deliver to Thorin for reviewing tomorrow morning.

“I believe you’ve forgotten to collect something before you leave,” Balin explained with a pointed look in his eye; but rather not directed at Bilbo, but who Bilbo was sure it was meant to be directed at.

“Oh bother,” Bilbo grumbled, “I swear I sent him home four hours ago. He’s going to work himself into his grave if he keeps up like this.” And indeed when Bilbo stomped into Thorin’s office he found the man slumped over his desk. Too mad to even entertain the idea that he might’ve actually collapsed and died on his desk, Bilbo sighed loudly and stalked over and poked several times into Thorin’s shoulder, “Come on, you big oaf. Up you get, it’s time to go home.”

“Mm!” Thorin hummed with a jump, “T’yours?”

“Are you seriously flirting with me when I’ve just roused you from being passed out on your desk? You’re unbelievable.” Bilbo sighed and slung the taller man’s arm around his shoulders to offer some semblance of support, though really, if Thorin collapsed, they were both going down, there was no other way about it. “We’re going to your sister’s, remember? For the monthly family dinner? One of the reasons I tried to send you home earlier to rest so you might actually be conscious for the meal…”

“Aw, hell,” Thorin whined.

“I’ll by you a damn coffee for the train.”

“Oh thank god,” Thorin dropped his forehead against the top of the shorter man’s head, “Thank god for you, Bilbo.”

“Yeah, not the first or last time I’ve heard that from your mouth… Though I honestly much prefer it in the bedroom,” Bilbo muttered the latter under his breath with a smirk.

Thorin chuckled and slurred with a sleepy voice, “Cheekyyy.”

It was going to be a long night.

.

It had been about a month since Kíli last saw Bilbo and Thorin and Balin, about two weeks since he saw his mother, just yesterday he’d said goodnight to Dwalin before sneaking out of the house and taking the last train to Mirkwood, and despite being at Mirkwood University that morning, he’d seen his brother last week. This was the time to catch up with everyone over supper, until the next month when they’d find another day to do it again. Everyone was so damned busy (and secretive) in their enormous family.

Dís said she had some sketches for Balin to look over, before she turned the conversation over to asking Thorin how his diffusion line was going, to which both Bilbo and Balin began to complain about the man overworking himself. It was only a lighthearted argument and Kíli and Fíli looked at each other over the table with longsuffering gazes before simultaneously pulling out their phones and turning their eyes to their laps as discreetly as possible – it was the once monthly family dinner after all, strictly a no phone zone.

Half jaded, Kíli began to scroll through his texts with Tauriel, the pun wars they’d have almost daily made him smirk, the cutesy stuff made him smile, but then he scrolled into sexy territory when they’d jokingly began to exchange terrible-sexts-that-eventually-turned-into-rap-lyrics sexts and then somehow it turned into not-joking-at-all-they-were- **actually** -sexting-and-getting-off-on-it-together-and-it-was-extremely-embarrassing-but-it-was-totally-happening sexts. And here he was letting his eyes hungrily take in every word all over again and suddenly his ears and neck began to feel a little warm. 

He refrained from snorting at the situation as he tapped onto the text box and sent, ‘ _I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha yes, you are all correct._ ’

Tauriel didn’t reply for another minute and when the reply arrived it was simple a huge keysmash with several hahaha’s.

“How ‘bout you, Kíli?” Balin’s voice said seemingly out of nowhere.

Kíli snapped his gaze up, trying to sober his face into something less amused as he crammed his phone back into his pocket, “Hm, what? What about me?”

“You’ve got that performance next Saturday? How’s that going?”

“Fine. Great!” he answered quickly, “Though I think I need my concert jacket and trousers need to be let out, or I need a new get up entirely, or something - because of my last growth spurt.”

“Oh please,” Fíli laughed, “I doubt you’ve grown any taller, maybe your arse’s gotten bigger, if anything.”

“Hey!”

“Actually, since I’ve seen you last your bum does look a bit bigger, Kí,” Dís agreed, which sent Fíli into a fit of cackles.

While Bilbo assured him, “There’s nothing wrong with a big bum.” And Thorin followed with, “Don’t worry, we’ll get the tailor to reinforce the seat of your concert trousers.” To which Dwalin joined in with Fíli cackling.

Kíli whipped out his phone again, damned the rules, he needed some empathy, ‘ _MY WHOLE FAMILY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT!_ ’

Tauriel almost abruptly responded back with, ‘ _WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO!_ ’

Evidently Tauriel would fit in well with his family, which was both great and terrible. In the end Kíli would accompany Thorin to LM Co.’s Rivendell store tailor the next day.

.

Saturday – February 7th

“How many times have I heard you sputter that ‘began as an honest mining and jewellery company, and exploded over night into a multi-billion dollar company because of its extravagant and rare precious gems cut so precisely and set into metalwork designed so uniquely, blah blah, branched out into wedding dresses, that branched into bridesmaids dresses and tuxes, and blah blah honest agents helping make the blah sanctity of marriage much more blah special, blah blah blah!’” Bilbo muttered in an accusing tone once they’d set Kíli free from his impromptu measurements appointment. “’Honest’, my eye! You’ve got a hidden agenda, you sneaky bastard!” He slowly ambled along the wall of numerous suit and tux jackets, most of them varying in shades of grey and blue.

“It’s not necessarily going to be the debut of the line! He’s just going to give it a test run!” Thorin offered in defense, “There are going to be a lot of influential people at that performance next Saturday, I’d just like to see the reaction the suit gets! It’s not a sneaky hidden agenda, dear _god_ , Bilbo, you talk like I’m villain or something.”

“Mildly villainous…” Bilbo mumbled under his breath as he reached the next rack that had a particularly lovely burgundy jacket – he idly wondered if he ever drew a design what would Thorin think of it… but Bilbo had a fondness for flowers and patchwork patterns rather than that of geometric symmetry like LM. Co.’s designs usually presented. “Oh, and hey, I’d just like to remind you that you agreed to a full day of relaxing until the performance that night, alright? I will tie you to the bed to get you to stay put, if I must.”

When Bilbo wasn’t given the usual gruff grumbled response of compliance when he noted Thorin with his infamous thrice daily reminders, he turned and saw a positively lecherous grin on Thorin’s face before he asked, “Promise?”

Bilbo refrained from letting his blush surface and color him brightly from the collar of his shirt to the tips of his ears, instead he scoffed and chastised, “Down, boy.” But he couldn’t help the grin that curled at the corners of his lips.

.

Thorin was passed out drunk and Bilbo couldn’t be happier. They were at the pub with the whole Blue Mountain crew, Dís, Dwalin and Nori, Balin had already checked out, insisting on accompanying Fíli and Kíli to the train station. Dwalin and the Durin siblings had been reminiscing of their old days at school together, military school, where Dwalin and Willi had met the Durin trio and forged the most solid of friendships. It was around the time Dís had begun to wonder about how Willi and Frerin were doing - currently stationed in the southern most parts of Rhûn – when Thorin had nodded off, slouched over the table.

Óin Irving and Dori Riley were the main servers tonight, while Bombur was in the kitchen with Bifur aiding him, and Bofur was manning the bar. More often though it was Bifur coming out to serve them while quickly regaling them with a story of his heroics in the Met alongside Dwalin before his head injury that forced him to retire with honours. Bilbo’s phone buzzed but his attention, along with the other pub patrons, was stuck to the man stomping towards the exit in a huff; he glanced down only after the man had left his sight and saw a text from Dori that said, ‘ _I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom._ ’ Bilbo cursed under his breath and rolled his eyes, it was only a matter of time before someone reported this place, but given that the owners had ties to the Commissioner of the Met, it was very unlikely the Blue Mountain would be shut down anytime soon. But seriously, someone had to tell Dori to stop harassing the patrons that weren’t used to his antics.

“Hey, hey!” Dís suddenly stood up, jostling the table slightly, but not nearly enough to rouse her brother from his slumber, “You’re all coming to Kí’s performance next Saturday right? Promise?! All of you! Even all you people over there!” Dís shouted to the rest of the strangers occupying the pub, “My son’s got a solo, he’s going to be phenomenal! You’re all invited and you’d better damn well be there!” Dwalin yanked her back down into her seat before she could start threatening people, it was already bad enough that she was Lord Durin’s successor appearing quite shit-faced in public, but another thing entirely to sully the Durin name over with disorderly conduct. Dwalin and Bilbo shared a gaze over the table and agreed without any words exchanged at all that it was time to tuck in Thorin and Dís for the night.

Fortunately for Bilbo, Thorin’s place was nearby in Rivendell, since he preferred a short commute to work. While Dwalin had to carry Dís piggy back to the train station to get to their flat building in Erebor. Bilbo had just managed to clean Thorin up enough to settle him into his bed, and was considering just falling right into the bed next to him instead of lugging himself to his own place ten minutes away, when his phone pinged with a group text from Kíli that said they were nearly to Mirkwood. So much going from place to place to place, g _od,_ it never ended. Bilbo groaned, slipped off his shoes and padded into the bathroom to pluck up his tooth brush he kept at Thorin’s. He brushed his teeth and washed his face and then slipped under the covers and hooked his arm over Thorin’s middle and quickly fell asleep.

.

‘ _There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooting directly at me._ ’ Fíli snorted at Ori’s text, seeing he and his brother along with Ori’s brothers were all the recipients of that message, surely this signaled the impending arrival of a new masterpiece. Tomorrow might tell, Fíli just hoped he’d be able to sleep through it.

“So,” he said, tucking his phone away as the train began to slow, closing in on the Mirkwood station, “Gonna pop in to see Tauriel really quick?”

“Nah,” Kíli answered, “Don’t wanna bother her, she’s probably already asleep. And knowing me I’d end up falling asleep too if I did.”

“Right,” Fíli laughed, “Well then I’ll see you Friday for your weekly sneak in sleep over then?”

Kíli’s phone buzzed in his palm then, and he glanced down to see a text from Sigrid – not unusual to get texts from her, but at this time of night, it was slightly odd. “No, actually, I’m gonna be practicing my nuts off this entire week for Saturday, so…”

“Why, how very adult of you, brother.”

“Why, yes, indeed, thank you, brother.”

The two laughed until the train had come to a complete stop. Fíli departed with a wave, and Kíli remained in his seat, slouching down as the exhaustion of the day finally got to him. Passengers were boarding but he was far too busy checking out the text from Sigrid - or rather not Sigrid at all.

‘ _Kíli, it’s Tilda. Are you sure about this duet?_ ’

Aw, performance jitters. ‘ _Absolutely. It’s going to be spectacular and don’t you dare think otherwise!_ ’

‘ _If you say so… I saw some performances from last year my sister saved on her phone, you and your brother were really great together. I just don’t want to disappoint you and everyone else._ ’

The train wasn’t as full as it began its journey back to Rivendell. He smirked to his phone screen and answered, ‘ _Darling, you are amazing! I swear, it’s going to be totally fine. You’ll love performing. We both already know the song, we’ve just got to practice it together. It’ll be great!_ ’

‘ _Okay…_ ’ was Tilda’s response.

And Kíli simply smirked, assuming he’d assured her enough that she would be able to get to sleep now… Until his phone buzzed again and he saw, ‘ _You know your brother texts my sister an awful lot. And in those performance videos she seemed to zoom in on him a lot too._ ’

Kíli couldn’t contain himself, responding almost instantly with, ‘ _Omg! NO way!_ ’ before he righted himself into being the adult his brother had praised him of being not too long ago, ‘ _Tilda! Don’t snoop!_ ’, ‘ _And be sure to erase all these messages before you put her phone back! ;)_ ’

.

The week leading up to Valentine’s Day was hectic as all. LM Co.’s sales were out of control and in fact they were selling out of almost everything. Which was great and also incredibly terrible. Bilbo was having a hell of a time, but the only thing that was keeping him level was the promise Thorin would keep to have a proper relaxing day on Valentine’s before the performance.

Kíli’s suit was immaculate. Possibly _too_ good looking. But since he was second chair in first violin he wouldn’t be in direct sight to make the rest of the orchestra look bad – that’s how Thorin had assured him – until he had his solo, at least.

When Saturday finally came Dwalin was deeply concerned for the state of Kíli’s physical and mental preparedness for the night, he’d seemed so exhausted throughout the week, he really hoped the kid hadn’t caught something in all his ambition to practice for the concert. Nevertheless, he wished the boy luck before he wearily headed out to the school.

Kíli was only slightly bitter about his brother not having to deal with this concert day madness with him anymore. But once he saw little timid Tilda among the mass of the orchestra, he instantly felt energized. This was going to be good – no - a really great performance, something to reflect on at Christmas parties, when all the family was gathered together, because that’s how great it was going to be, it was going to merge families.

.

“Dad! No-! Dad, over here!” Dís called and made a show of waving her hands to flag down her father.

Similarly, Sigrid was dragging her own father and brother by their arms toward where the Durin’s and company were settled down.

“We shut down the Mountain for this, y’know,” Bofur informed.

“You shut down the Mountain if you’re jonesing for a nap or Netflix binge,” Dwalin noted.

“True,” Bombur confirmed.

“And you love seeing the boys perform.”

“Also true.”

“So quit your whinging.”

“Hello Gimli, Fíli,” Sigrid grinned as she took the open seat beside Fíli, and saw the blush tinging Gimli’s cheeks when – among the numerous people she’d brought in tow – Legolas maneuvered down the aisle to sit beside him. Fíli matched her conspiring grin as Legolas immediately initiated friendly conversation with the aggressively bashful red headed teen.

Shifting his gaze slightly Fíli gave a slight nod to Tauriel, who mirrored the move as she sat next to her father. Ori was wondering aimlessly through the empty-and-steadily-filling seats until he was finally snatched up by his elder brothers, both of them whining about never seeing him and demanding to see all his new pieces.

Thranduil was a man of no shame, once Bard was seated next to Sigrid, he took the seat beside him and slung his arm around his shoulders. And from the next row Dís’s eyes widened and she turned to her best friend and with the most miniscule of head tilts in the couple’s direction, it took all of two seconds for Dwalin to understand and cram his knuckles to his teeth to keep from screeching like a damned pterodactyl.

“Do we know if Kíli had anything to eat before this? We don’t need him making a spectacle of himself and fainting again.”

“Ma, that was five years ago, he knows better than that now,” Fíli laughed, then assured, “And yes, he ate, he and Tilda went out for these monstrous burgers, he sent me a picture, look.” Fíli flipped to the message and turned the screen to his mother.

“Dear lord, I hope that little girl didn’t get the same, that’s gonna stop him up for weeks,” she stared with widened eyes. The theater was packed by then, the air was filled with a dull roar of hundreds of voices chattering at once; one by one the orchestra began to fill up their seats on the stage. Dís waved frantically to her elder son, “Oh! Fí, be sure to get a good angle to record for your father and uncle!”

“Aye, aye,” Fíli saluted and enlisted Sigrid and Tauriel’s help via text. They vacated their seats and took some positions near the stage. Fíli was smothering his laughter as he snapped a picture of Kíli slyly flipping him off once he caught sight of him just before the audience was lulled into silence as the concert master came out to give her tuning A’s. Once she took her seat next to Kíli the conductor strode onto the stage, expressed his thanks for such a full audience and explained the pieces they would be playing tonight, and then the concert began.

Six songs and two hours later the concert was coming to a close, Kíli stood up from the first violin section to stand nearer the front of the stage and another from the viola section – Dís reached back with her concert program and waved it at Bard, “Do you see this?!” she hissed. Bard took it and looked at the last performance of the night, what had been said would be Kíli Durin’s solo, was actually a duet by Kíli Durin and Matilda Bowman – carefully navigated her way to stand beside him. It seemed the only people in the dark about the solo-turned-duet were the Durin’s, Bowman’s and Greenleaf’s, not normally ones to actually look at the program, but simply have it for memorabilia purposes. Even Sigrid and Fíli were surprised at the turn of events.

From the side of the stage a person ran out with a microphone and hunched down to hand it to Tilda. She took in a deep breath before she somewhat shakily explained that the final song for the night was dedicated to the man who more than a year ago came into her father’s life and made him far happier than she’d seen him in years, he made their little family bigger and very much happier, and she just wanted to say thank you for that.

Below the stage, off to the right, Tauriel bit her lip to withhold a bright grin. In the audience Legolas leaned forward to peer down the row towards his father to gauge his reaction. Thranduil’s hand scrambled to grab a death like grasp for Bard’s, eyes wide and shimmering and stuck on the stage, while Bard could only chuckle. Bain quickly hurried out of his own seat and down the aisle just as the stage hand took back the microphone and hurried off the stage. He stood beside Sigrid when he found her left of below the stage, and the conductor turned back to the orchestra while Kíli and Tilda got ready, and with a nod from Tilda, the song began…

.

“He hasn’t cried like that since Tauriel finally agreed to call him Daddy when she was 5,” Legolas laughed as they all awaited Tilda and Kíli – after a full two minute standing ovation this called for a serious celebration, the time of day and Valentine’s Day meant for couples be damned!

“And then when I stopped once I turned 6,” Tauriel noted with a devilish grin.

“Hey, here they come!” Bain called as the stars of the night finally met them in the backstage hall where they had crowded like a bunch of fanatics.

Thranduil immediately snatched Tilda up from the floor and hugged her tightly while he sobbed his praise and thanks incoherently.

They all settled on gathering at Thranduil’s where much food and drink were to be had and much merrymaking and review of the performance from numerous camera angles.

“Woah, woah, hey now! What’s this?” Bofur exclaimed, and waggled his finger between the similar scenes of cuteness displayed – with an ale in hand Tauriel was sat in Kíli’s lap, and Fíli with an ale in one hand which was tipped back to his mouth and his free hand’s fingers loosely twined with Sigrid’s, “That’s fuckin’ adorable is what this is; how the hell long has this been going on, y’little shits?!”

“Uhhhh…” Fíli supplied and glanced to Sigrid, then to his brother and Tauriel.

“Say!” Kíli bursted, “Where have Uncle and Bilbo gone, I wonder?!” which was a good enough deterrent it seemed, as Bofur began to speculate with Dís and Dwalin, speculations that got terribly graphic really quick, and they were quite glad Tilda had fallen asleep in one of the spare rooms an hour earlier.

The celebratory party continued on well into the late, late hours of the night, until they could hardly recall what exactly they were celebrating.

.

Thorin was startled awake by the sound of his phone vibrating atop his bedside table, or rather, Bilbo’s bedside table, he realized when he was pleasantly overwhelmed and encompassed by Bilbo’s scent. He blearily reached for the offending thing and grasped paper instead, he blinked several times before the elegant writing became clear enough for him to read, ‘Be back soon - you’re staying in for the day again - I’m just getting some things from the office - and some things for breakfast and lunch and dinner <3’.

He grinned at the pleasing ache in his bones and muscles as he replaced the note and took up his phone.

The time was 10:34 and the text that had roused him was from Dís, reading, ‘ _The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up._ ’

Thorin snorted and another text from his sister popped onto their feed, ‘ _Oh and you left rather early and in a hurry last night, you tramp <3_’

‘ _I can’t move. Totally worth it_.’

‘ _I locked myself in one of the spare rooms – the guy’s got like five spare rooms, I mean what the hell?! – and had skype sex with Willi. Damn it, I miss my husband!_ ’

‘ _You HAVE a husband,_ ’ Thorin replied to cheer her up, ‘ _I tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but I couldn’t figure out how to take it out._ ’

Dís’s response was an explosion of key smash laughter before she followed up with, ‘ _Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness._ ’

His phone buzzed again but with a different text, a group text with him, and Willi, Frerin (regardless of if they even had their phones or if they were even on at the moment), and Dís from Dwalin, ‘ _Last night I was referred to as ‘the Loch Ness Cockster’, god bless my Scottish heritage._ ’ Which begged the question of who exactly had given him such a reference… Thorin’s bet was on any of the Riley’s.

He shook his head, he’d respond to that later when he could figure out a proper way _to_ respond, and sat his phone down beside the note and surprisingly Bilbo’s chapstick was that usually ever-present in his coat pocket. He ignored it in favour summoning his strength to leave the bed and relieve himself in the toilet. Which he managed, but then was startled when he caught his reflection as he washed his hands after. He plucked up his phone again and texted, ‘ _BTW you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body._ ’

‘ _Gifts from me to you, you’re welcome._ ’

‘ _Happy Valentine’s Day :)_ ’

.

.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So instead of individual links for the texts I just made a [collage](https://40.media.tumblr.com/99d723c00d04056b783eb5c24c30c12b/tumblr_njrxez4CDh1r00ixgo1_1280.jpg)  
> And here is the link to the [song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mFYaYJFtFcA) that is played.  
> And I really hope you guys enjoy it! And I'm really grateful for all the kudos and comments!


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